I found out Sunday Night that my Grandmother Priscilla and her husband, Bill were coming yesterday. I only half beleaved my mom when she told me, but around 3:00 yesterday afternoon they showed up.
I should tell a little background info. on them. She is my dad's mother. My dad's father died when I was 12. They divorced when I was little and she married Bill. Growing up my dad was the oldest of five boys. Many times child abusers single out one kid to take all the abuse. In my dad's case, he was the chosen one. I don't know all the details, but I know enough. Oh, and also in this case, my grandmother was the one who did the abusing.
My grandmother has lived in Florida since I was a little kid. She has driven right past Murfreesboro on several occasions on the way up to Illinios to visit my dads brothers and not stopped to see us. For most of my life, I have not thought of myself as having another Grandmother. My Grandparents in Nashville have been all the grandparents I have needed (and more.) My little sister was the type of baby that would let anyone hold her. In one of my Grandma priscillas rare visits, my sister went right to her. Since then she sends my family gifts at Christmas and at our birthdays. It's really hard for me to allow her into my life. She is someone I saw maybe every 5 years growing up. I didn't let her hold me when I was a baby, and sometimes it's like I'm still paying for that.
Yesterday when she showed up (with less than 24 hours notice.) I had already made plans to do something that night. She wanted to take us all to eat. When I stated my plans, she said " I'm only going to be here one night, but go if you want to." Arggg! I hate being guilt tripped and manipulated. We ended up going to eat early and I still kept my plans. Well, today my sister came over and brought a card for my little sister. It was from my grandmother and had a 20 dollar bill in it. My older sister got $100.00 from her (mostly for my nephew.) Guess what I got? Nothing. I know it's wrong to be jealous, but I'm not just jealous, I'm hurt. I've always made an effort to be nice to her, even when I felt like the effort was one sided. I think I need to always remember what being left out feels like and make sure I never do it to anyone. Maybe five years from now, when I see her again, I will have forgotten being left out. (sorry, that was kinda mean.)
On a happier note, I went to Yoga/Pilates last night. It was fun. Not so much like exercise to me, more like stretching and balancing. Well, today my butt hurts and my back and my ab's. The instructer said I have strong ab's. I don't know how you get strong ab's when you don't excercise and you eat mostly junk. But I'm not going to argue with her. So I guess I have strong ab's. I liked it, so I think I'm going to go back next monday. I have a bit of pudge around my middle I would like to shrink.
The guy at church who won't talk to me that I mentioned in a previous post? Well, he went on the retreat this weekend. I made an effort to talk to him, mostly me saying hello and thank you and him making grunting noises at me, but it was a start. I saw him yesterday and he said "hi, sarah." Maybe things will get better between us. God put us in the same house over the weekend, in the same small group of people, for a reason.
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
Sunday, April 24, 2005
Retreat Weekend
I went on a retreat this past weekend with nine other young adults from my church. It was an awesome, uplifting weekend. We went to someone's cabin on Center Hill Lake. We only spent one night. I wish we had one up on Friday night instead of Saturday. I would have easily stayed longer. We got up there on saturday afternoon. The place was bigger than we thought it would be. We took a short walk through the woods behind the cabin to a creek. Somewhere, we had been told, was a waterfall. We never managed to find it, but I was content just hearing the peaceful flowing of the water in the stream.
After a wonderful meal of Steaks and baked potatoes, we settled in for some singing and listened to a reading about the passover. Then we each took a turn giving our testimony. Mine was not so much a testimony as a much needed time to get some stuff off my chest. I have carried this "baggage" with me for the last 8 years or so.
I was baptized when I was 13. I knew what being baptized meant, but I'm not sure the reason behind when I chose to do it. I knew I was giving my life over to Christ and confessing that I believed he died for me. I was hurt a lot over the next 6 years of school. I went through a lot of things that left me asking why? I still don't understand why, but I have to trust that I experienced it all for a reason. I got sick with colitis my Junior year in highschool. I didn't totally understand my illness and the time and I was being constantly bullied and harrassed at school. Because of this, I trusted no one and my self esteem was non existent. When I got to college at MTSU, I was invisible. I went to class and went home. I didn't have any friends, because I had seen how so called "friends" treated me.
Then I discovered guys. I had dated a couple of times in high school, but nothing very serious. Now, in college, there were all these guys and they would pay attention to me. The only time I felt good about myself was when I had a guys attention. I started dating someone shortly after I turned 20. He was 4 years older than me and much more experienced. I was very naive and confused the attention I got from him with love and actual feelings. The only feeling he had for me was lust. I was a virgin and he groomed me and pushed me a little more each time I saw him until one day, in a nasty apartment, I gave away my virginity to him. He acted like it was no big deal. I was sure this was love. I dated him for six months. During this time he treated me bad, was always late and only came around for sex. I thought that sex was all I was good for. I finally reached a point where I just couldn't take him anymore and broke up with him. I immediatly felt lonely and sought out another guy to solve this. Over the next few years I slept around here and there. It felt good for about 5 minutes and then all I felt was guilt and for some reason I still felt lonely.
I started going to the Christian center a year or so after breaking up with the first guy. I thought that I could change my life there. Shortly after going there I discovered that guys there wanted the same things other guys did. One thing was different though, I now had the attention of what I thought were good christian guys. Turns out that jerks are everywhere. Also, once you allow yourself to be used for sex, there are guys who seem to sense that. I was not a victim up until this point. I had freely given myself to the guys I dated. I met a guy at the center. He was a roomate of one of our officers. I ignored that voice inside me (a voice you should never ignore) and went to his dorm room. We started making out and that was as far as I wanted it to go. Something about him rubbed me the wrong way. I tried to push him off of me and he said "your in no position to change your mind now." and then proceeded to rape me. I carried this deep dark secret of being raped around with me for a week. I told no one. When I finally did tell someone, she said "I was afraid this would happen, what did you expect, with the way you act around guys." So I never told anyone else. I decided that the rape was my fault. After that I dated a few more guys. Four years ago I drove a co worker home after work and went in his apartment with him. He attempted to rape me, but I was crying and shaking and he decided to stop. I got lucky that night. Ironically, both the rapist and attempted rapist were MTSU football players. At that same time I was taking a class called Violence and the Family. We were discussing rape in it. I couldn't bear to go listen to the lectures a lot of times. I told my profesor what had happened to me. She seemed totally unshocked that it was by a football player. It was through this class and a class called Victimology that I realized that I said no. I was victimized and no matter how much I flirted to begin with and how much I made out with the first guy, the bottom line was no means no. I now realized that this was not my fault. I also realized that my behavior and my life had to change, or this kind of thing would keep happening to me. I worked hard and although I did slip up and go to far with one guy after that, I have since gotten very picky about who I date, if I even date at all.
Realizing that the attention I was getting was not the kind of attention I wanted was a big step. I was at times hindered by my reputation. Especially around the center. I thought that a few guys were interested in me, turns out that through the rumor mill they had heard about me. Now that I don't do things I shouldn't I mostly do not date. I realize now the difference between love and lust.
Forgiving myself has been the hardest part. I know that God has forgiven me and he wants me to move on with my life. Sometimes my conscious won't let me do that. I know that is satan trying to remind me of my weaknesses. I'm not a weak person. If anything, my health problems and stuff I've experienced have left me with the strength of a body builder. This is something I've learned that in some situations being the strong one is a good thing. It allows me to remain calm in situations that others wouldn't and I have this strong urge to help others. I hope that through nursing (If I get in) I can work with Hospice, cancer patients or, I think my heart is really pulled towards a place like Special Kids. Special Kids is a nonprofit daycare if sorts for medically fragile children. I babysat for a baby a few years ago who was born with just enough brainstem to keep her alive. She could not situp, talk, or even swallow. She also had frequent seizures. I learned to tube feed her, and I fell in love with her. She began going to Special Kids and it was awesome. It allowed her mom to work while knowing that she was being taken care of by trained nurses and physical and occupational therapists. Shortly before her second birthday, she underwent a growth spurt. She started looking more like a little girl and less like a baby. Her little lungs and heart just could not support this big girl she was becoming and she died peacefully in her sleep.
Since then , I have felt really drawn to medically fragile, special needs children. To the point that, if I ever marry, I want to adopt, and I would be willing to take a child with special needs. I feel like I have seen what it takes day to day to care for a child like this, and God has given me a gift to be able to handle it and has given me more than enough love to share with a child, no matter how long they have on earth.
Wow, I went from talking about the retreat, to sex, to my future.
Anyway, the retreat was a much needed get away and it sounded like all ten of us are at similar times in our lives. We are all unsure of our future and where we should go from here. Oh yeah, we had an 11'th reatreater who wasn't discovered until this morning. Seems that while we were singing and talking and worshipping, we had an audience of one little grey mouse. She teased us by darting out from under couches to the fireplace and then between the cabinets in the kitchen. Oh well, all she witnessed, was a lot of love for Christ and for each other.
After a wonderful meal of Steaks and baked potatoes, we settled in for some singing and listened to a reading about the passover. Then we each took a turn giving our testimony. Mine was not so much a testimony as a much needed time to get some stuff off my chest. I have carried this "baggage" with me for the last 8 years or so.
I was baptized when I was 13. I knew what being baptized meant, but I'm not sure the reason behind when I chose to do it. I knew I was giving my life over to Christ and confessing that I believed he died for me. I was hurt a lot over the next 6 years of school. I went through a lot of things that left me asking why? I still don't understand why, but I have to trust that I experienced it all for a reason. I got sick with colitis my Junior year in highschool. I didn't totally understand my illness and the time and I was being constantly bullied and harrassed at school. Because of this, I trusted no one and my self esteem was non existent. When I got to college at MTSU, I was invisible. I went to class and went home. I didn't have any friends, because I had seen how so called "friends" treated me.
Then I discovered guys. I had dated a couple of times in high school, but nothing very serious. Now, in college, there were all these guys and they would pay attention to me. The only time I felt good about myself was when I had a guys attention. I started dating someone shortly after I turned 20. He was 4 years older than me and much more experienced. I was very naive and confused the attention I got from him with love and actual feelings. The only feeling he had for me was lust. I was a virgin and he groomed me and pushed me a little more each time I saw him until one day, in a nasty apartment, I gave away my virginity to him. He acted like it was no big deal. I was sure this was love. I dated him for six months. During this time he treated me bad, was always late and only came around for sex. I thought that sex was all I was good for. I finally reached a point where I just couldn't take him anymore and broke up with him. I immediatly felt lonely and sought out another guy to solve this. Over the next few years I slept around here and there. It felt good for about 5 minutes and then all I felt was guilt and for some reason I still felt lonely.
I started going to the Christian center a year or so after breaking up with the first guy. I thought that I could change my life there. Shortly after going there I discovered that guys there wanted the same things other guys did. One thing was different though, I now had the attention of what I thought were good christian guys. Turns out that jerks are everywhere. Also, once you allow yourself to be used for sex, there are guys who seem to sense that. I was not a victim up until this point. I had freely given myself to the guys I dated. I met a guy at the center. He was a roomate of one of our officers. I ignored that voice inside me (a voice you should never ignore) and went to his dorm room. We started making out and that was as far as I wanted it to go. Something about him rubbed me the wrong way. I tried to push him off of me and he said "your in no position to change your mind now." and then proceeded to rape me. I carried this deep dark secret of being raped around with me for a week. I told no one. When I finally did tell someone, she said "I was afraid this would happen, what did you expect, with the way you act around guys." So I never told anyone else. I decided that the rape was my fault. After that I dated a few more guys. Four years ago I drove a co worker home after work and went in his apartment with him. He attempted to rape me, but I was crying and shaking and he decided to stop. I got lucky that night. Ironically, both the rapist and attempted rapist were MTSU football players. At that same time I was taking a class called Violence and the Family. We were discussing rape in it. I couldn't bear to go listen to the lectures a lot of times. I told my profesor what had happened to me. She seemed totally unshocked that it was by a football player. It was through this class and a class called Victimology that I realized that I said no. I was victimized and no matter how much I flirted to begin with and how much I made out with the first guy, the bottom line was no means no. I now realized that this was not my fault. I also realized that my behavior and my life had to change, or this kind of thing would keep happening to me. I worked hard and although I did slip up and go to far with one guy after that, I have since gotten very picky about who I date, if I even date at all.
Realizing that the attention I was getting was not the kind of attention I wanted was a big step. I was at times hindered by my reputation. Especially around the center. I thought that a few guys were interested in me, turns out that through the rumor mill they had heard about me. Now that I don't do things I shouldn't I mostly do not date. I realize now the difference between love and lust.
Forgiving myself has been the hardest part. I know that God has forgiven me and he wants me to move on with my life. Sometimes my conscious won't let me do that. I know that is satan trying to remind me of my weaknesses. I'm not a weak person. If anything, my health problems and stuff I've experienced have left me with the strength of a body builder. This is something I've learned that in some situations being the strong one is a good thing. It allows me to remain calm in situations that others wouldn't and I have this strong urge to help others. I hope that through nursing (If I get in) I can work with Hospice, cancer patients or, I think my heart is really pulled towards a place like Special Kids. Special Kids is a nonprofit daycare if sorts for medically fragile children. I babysat for a baby a few years ago who was born with just enough brainstem to keep her alive. She could not situp, talk, or even swallow. She also had frequent seizures. I learned to tube feed her, and I fell in love with her. She began going to Special Kids and it was awesome. It allowed her mom to work while knowing that she was being taken care of by trained nurses and physical and occupational therapists. Shortly before her second birthday, she underwent a growth spurt. She started looking more like a little girl and less like a baby. Her little lungs and heart just could not support this big girl she was becoming and she died peacefully in her sleep.
Since then , I have felt really drawn to medically fragile, special needs children. To the point that, if I ever marry, I want to adopt, and I would be willing to take a child with special needs. I feel like I have seen what it takes day to day to care for a child like this, and God has given me a gift to be able to handle it and has given me more than enough love to share with a child, no matter how long they have on earth.
Wow, I went from talking about the retreat, to sex, to my future.
Anyway, the retreat was a much needed get away and it sounded like all ten of us are at similar times in our lives. We are all unsure of our future and where we should go from here. Oh yeah, we had an 11'th reatreater who wasn't discovered until this morning. Seems that while we were singing and talking and worshipping, we had an audience of one little grey mouse. She teased us by darting out from under couches to the fireplace and then between the cabinets in the kitchen. Oh well, all she witnessed, was a lot of love for Christ and for each other.
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
Back To Normal
I finally feel like myself again. Saturday was the Bicycle ride that I directed. Directing is always a stressful, tiring job. I had to coordinate everything, including rest stops, support drivers (people who drive the route and pick up bikers who poop out or have mechanical problems), and HAM radio operators (since much of the route goes pretty far out in the country where there is no cell phone service). The HAM Radio guys are one of the most vital parts of both of the rides I direct. They are my eyes and ears since I can't be out on the route. If need be, they can call and get an ambulance somewhere much faster than I can from my post at the school. Last year at the ride in August a man fell and broke his hip. They kept me informed of what was going on and provided me with his name (once they could get to where they could call me on a cell phone, HAM radio does not provide much privacy and you don't really want to say an injured persons name over it.) so I could call his emergency contact. There is also a HAM guy who stays at the school and sets up his equipment. So, basically he communicates with the others for me. He also provided me with a two way radio, which came in handy when I went to grab some food inside the school. While I was eating we were notified of a guy who took a wrong turn and was lost and something was wrong with his bike. Someone went and picked him up and everything was fine.
Saturday was a long day. I had to be out at the school at 5:15 a.m. which meant I got up at 4 a.m. I am not a morning person, so me getting up when it is still dark is a rare occurance. I was at the school at around 3 pm that afternoon. For the H.O.T. 100 in August I get to the school at around 4 a.m. and am there until around 4 or 5 p.m. So Saturday was not quite as long as it could have been. Even so, it has taken me until today to feel like I have caught up on my sleep. I slept from 7:30 pm saturday until 10 a.m. sunday. Then I slept off and on all day sunday. So guess what I did? slept so much that I couldn't sleep Sunday night. I was awake all night reading a book and finally fell asleep about 6 a.m. monday morning and woke up at 11 a.m. Then I had to go get my nephew and run a few errands. I came home last night and crashed about 10:30 and slept until 9:00 this morning. I feel better now.
I'm really not looking forward to planning the H.O.T. 100. It's a lot harder than the Two County Metric (saturdays ride). It's like pulling teeth to get anyone to volunteer, so I have to do all kinds of things to get enough people. From putting an article in the newsletter explaining how as a club, we put on two rides a year and it is our responsiblility to work these rides, it is the only impression of us that some people get and we want it to be a good one. I usually end up just going through the list of club members and calling them. It's hard for people to come up with excuses about why they can't help when you catch them off guard.
I'm really thankful that no one got hurt Saturday. We had 297 people, which was less than last year, but a good crowd. The H.O.T 100 has close to 600, thats why it's so much more work.
God also provided us with gorgeous weather on Saturday. Warm, but not too warm.
I've had my nephew all day today. He is such a good baby. He was five months old this past monday. Seems like only yesterday I was watching him be born and holding him only minutes afterward. Now he's getting so big. Sometimes I wonder what he'll be like when he is older. I hope he loves God, and always tries to do the right thing. I'll love him just the same no matter what. I just hope he makes good choices in life. That's the same thing I wish for my little sister also. I also pray that they both hold on to their purity for as long as they can. I always hope that my little sister waits until her wedding night to have sex. Premarital sex really messes with your self esteem and for women, there are so many feelings involved. We tend to associate love with sex, even when lust is the only thing that plays a role in it. The guilt afterward, makes whatever few minutes of pleasure you had, not even worth it. I know that there are young girls everywhere making the decision to have sex before they are really ready and before they are married. It's an experience that I know hurts you more than anything. I'll write more about this another time. I have so much more I could say on the subject.
Saturday was a long day. I had to be out at the school at 5:15 a.m. which meant I got up at 4 a.m. I am not a morning person, so me getting up when it is still dark is a rare occurance. I was at the school at around 3 pm that afternoon. For the H.O.T. 100 in August I get to the school at around 4 a.m. and am there until around 4 or 5 p.m. So Saturday was not quite as long as it could have been. Even so, it has taken me until today to feel like I have caught up on my sleep. I slept from 7:30 pm saturday until 10 a.m. sunday. Then I slept off and on all day sunday. So guess what I did? slept so much that I couldn't sleep Sunday night. I was awake all night reading a book and finally fell asleep about 6 a.m. monday morning and woke up at 11 a.m. Then I had to go get my nephew and run a few errands. I came home last night and crashed about 10:30 and slept until 9:00 this morning. I feel better now.
I'm really not looking forward to planning the H.O.T. 100. It's a lot harder than the Two County Metric (saturdays ride). It's like pulling teeth to get anyone to volunteer, so I have to do all kinds of things to get enough people. From putting an article in the newsletter explaining how as a club, we put on two rides a year and it is our responsiblility to work these rides, it is the only impression of us that some people get and we want it to be a good one. I usually end up just going through the list of club members and calling them. It's hard for people to come up with excuses about why they can't help when you catch them off guard.
I'm really thankful that no one got hurt Saturday. We had 297 people, which was less than last year, but a good crowd. The H.O.T 100 has close to 600, thats why it's so much more work.
God also provided us with gorgeous weather on Saturday. Warm, but not too warm.
I've had my nephew all day today. He is such a good baby. He was five months old this past monday. Seems like only yesterday I was watching him be born and holding him only minutes afterward. Now he's getting so big. Sometimes I wonder what he'll be like when he is older. I hope he loves God, and always tries to do the right thing. I'll love him just the same no matter what. I just hope he makes good choices in life. That's the same thing I wish for my little sister also. I also pray that they both hold on to their purity for as long as they can. I always hope that my little sister waits until her wedding night to have sex. Premarital sex really messes with your self esteem and for women, there are so many feelings involved. We tend to associate love with sex, even when lust is the only thing that plays a role in it. The guilt afterward, makes whatever few minutes of pleasure you had, not even worth it. I know that there are young girls everywhere making the decision to have sex before they are really ready and before they are married. It's an experience that I know hurts you more than anything. I'll write more about this another time. I have so much more I could say on the subject.
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
Books
I just finished a book by Nicholas Sparks. It's the fourth book of his that I have read. He wrote "A Walk To Remember," A great book which was later made into a movie starring Mandy Moore. Until I read "A Walk To Remember," I never knew that a book could make me cry. I mean, everything else has the ability to make me cry, but I never have really been touched by a book in the same way. Well, tonight, the water works were a flowing. Wow! If I could remember the name of the one I read tonight I would tell you (yes, I read a whole book in a night, I read fast, especially if it's good.) Something about the way he writes or the emotions that he goes for, have had me crying by the end of every book of his I've ever read. It's not a bad kind of crying, not one that leaves me feeling all drained. It's more of an identifying with the characters in his book, and feeling really moved kind of crying.
I love books. Give me a quiet house, and a good book and I am happy. I don't need to go out and party, or really even do things others think are exciting. I am very low key and I actually usually don't like a lot of excitement going on around me. I'm not one to thrive on adrenalen.
I babysat today. I kept a 2 1/2 year old girl that I have met, but never babysat before. Here is what I heard for two straight hours: "I want momma...I want mommy...mommy...mommy..." with a few of those snorts and gasps kids do between tears thrown in here and there. I tried everything I could think of to distract her. Nothing worked. She finally just turned off the tears and started talking to me and playing a little. That and the poop accident in her pullup did not make for one of my best babysitting experiences. She is a very sweet little girl, she was just confused cause I wasn't her normal babysitter.
Well, it's really late and I should be asleep.
I love books. Give me a quiet house, and a good book and I am happy. I don't need to go out and party, or really even do things others think are exciting. I am very low key and I actually usually don't like a lot of excitement going on around me. I'm not one to thrive on adrenalen.
I babysat today. I kept a 2 1/2 year old girl that I have met, but never babysat before. Here is what I heard for two straight hours: "I want momma...I want mommy...mommy...mommy..." with a few of those snorts and gasps kids do between tears thrown in here and there. I tried everything I could think of to distract her. Nothing worked. She finally just turned off the tears and started talking to me and playing a little. That and the poop accident in her pullup did not make for one of my best babysitting experiences. She is a very sweet little girl, she was just confused cause I wasn't her normal babysitter.
Well, it's really late and I should be asleep.
Sunday, April 10, 2005
Stuff
I haven't felt much like posting the last week. Not much has gone on to post about anyway.
My sister turned 32 earlier this week. So until July 30'th she is now four years older than me (hahaha).
Brandon Scott Thomas has a saying on his blog (I don't know how to link to it or I would) for things that you just can't blog about. He calls it "creamed corn." That is kinda what is going on with me. I have some stuff on my heart that someone confided in me at church this morning, but I will have to sort it out without posting about it.
I went to a small group Bible Study with some people from church tonight. They are all about my age (married of course). They are watching the Dave Ramsey Financial Peace video series right now. I know Dave has some very good points, and he has gotten a lot of people out of dept, but something about this guy just grates on my nerves. Maybe it is that you have to pay him, when you are already in dept, to have him tell you how to get out of dept. My parents went through his program several years ago. As a teenager I was forced to endure his radio show whenever I was in the car with my parents. That probably explains my feelings for him. I don't own a credit card, nor have I ever, so I guess I feel like a lot of what he says doesn't pertain to me. I do have student loans out the wazoo, but the only thing I can do about those is pay them. He says if you have something you owe money on, besides a house, sell it. Can I sell my student loans? I wish. Drop me an email if you want to buy them from me :)
Word has gotten out that I am not keeping Austin anymore. I have to babysit for a little boy in the morning and then go keep a little girl right after that. I also have to keep the same little girl on Tuesday. I had the boy two days last week. I may be able to pay my taxes after all. I want to go down to the city schools office and apply to be a sub. Looks like I won't have time until wed. to go out there.
My sister turned 32 earlier this week. So until July 30'th she is now four years older than me (hahaha).
Brandon Scott Thomas has a saying on his blog (I don't know how to link to it or I would) for things that you just can't blog about. He calls it "creamed corn." That is kinda what is going on with me. I have some stuff on my heart that someone confided in me at church this morning, but I will have to sort it out without posting about it.
I went to a small group Bible Study with some people from church tonight. They are all about my age (married of course). They are watching the Dave Ramsey Financial Peace video series right now. I know Dave has some very good points, and he has gotten a lot of people out of dept, but something about this guy just grates on my nerves. Maybe it is that you have to pay him, when you are already in dept, to have him tell you how to get out of dept. My parents went through his program several years ago. As a teenager I was forced to endure his radio show whenever I was in the car with my parents. That probably explains my feelings for him. I don't own a credit card, nor have I ever, so I guess I feel like a lot of what he says doesn't pertain to me. I do have student loans out the wazoo, but the only thing I can do about those is pay them. He says if you have something you owe money on, besides a house, sell it. Can I sell my student loans? I wish. Drop me an email if you want to buy them from me :)
Word has gotten out that I am not keeping Austin anymore. I have to babysit for a little boy in the morning and then go keep a little girl right after that. I also have to keep the same little girl on Tuesday. I had the boy two days last week. I may be able to pay my taxes after all. I want to go down to the city schools office and apply to be a sub. Looks like I won't have time until wed. to go out there.
God,
Thank you for the wonderful day you gave us today. The weather was gorgeous and Church was so uplifting. God I want to lift up the person at my church that told me some painful things that had happened to them. Thank you for giving her peace of mind and helping her move past it. God, we have both made a lot of the same mistakes. Help us to be able to minister to each other and put our pasts behind us. I also want to ask you to be with my friend Jamie. I just love her and her family God. Her father was recently diagnosed with Colon Cancer. Be with them as they wait to find out if it has spread. Be with the doctors who will decide his treatment, and heal him if it be your will. They prayed for years for him to become a Christian and just a few years ago he was baptized. Let them find peace of mind in this. I love you God, and I am so grateful for the life you have given me and the people you have put in my path. I feel honered to be able to worship you and to know that you are always there.
In Jesus' Name, Amen
Thank you for the wonderful day you gave us today. The weather was gorgeous and Church was so uplifting. God I want to lift up the person at my church that told me some painful things that had happened to them. Thank you for giving her peace of mind and helping her move past it. God, we have both made a lot of the same mistakes. Help us to be able to minister to each other and put our pasts behind us. I also want to ask you to be with my friend Jamie. I just love her and her family God. Her father was recently diagnosed with Colon Cancer. Be with them as they wait to find out if it has spread. Be with the doctors who will decide his treatment, and heal him if it be your will. They prayed for years for him to become a Christian and just a few years ago he was baptized. Let them find peace of mind in this. I love you God, and I am so grateful for the life you have given me and the people you have put in my path. I feel honered to be able to worship you and to know that you are always there.
In Jesus' Name, Amen
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
Tired
My nephew screamed for 45 minutes tonight. I finally got him to fall asleep. He fights sleep sometimes and for an almost 5 month old, he sure can have a temper at times. Most of the time he is the sweetest baby. I finally took him up to my room and layed him on my down comforter on my bed. I sat across from him and put his legs on my lap, I layed my arms kind of on him and he grabbed my hands and held them. Then I lightly bounced the bed and he finally gave in and went to sleep. I knew he was just tired because I had given him drops for gas, put stuff on his gums for teething, fed him, burped him, and changed his diaper. I don't know why my bed works, but this is the second time that exact position has worked when he was really tired and mad.
I had lunch Sunday after Church with the college age kids at the Winter's house. The Winters are a super nice couple at my church. They both have huge hearts. This is the second time in the last couple of months that they have opened their beautiful home for about 25 people, and fixed them lunch. I hope one day I can minister to people like they do.
Other than that, I have just been working on Bicycle Club stuff. There is a ride that the club hosts on April 16'th. There will be about 400 riders there. I've been making the final plans and getting maps and release forms and stuff together to take to kinkos and copy. This is my first year Directing this particular ride. It is a much scaled down version of the ride I direct in August. That one had over 600 riders last year. We work with the Booster club's at both schools that host the rides. Then after expenses are paid, we make a good size donation to the Booster Clubs. We keep just enough money to keep us going. We are not offically a non profit group, but we operate similar to one. I have an officers meeting on Thursday night, where I will discuss the final details of the ride. Then there is a preview ride this saturday. Basically some club members will ride the route and let me know if I need to call the city or county street departments and have them come out and sweep gravel or construction dirt off the rode. Normally I check and make sure no paving or construction is taking place on roads that are in the route. However, this year, I have sorta forgotten to do that, so I pray that the roads are fine. If they are not, I will get lots of complaints from riders. As soon as this ride is over I have to start working on the one in August. I am behind on it due to the ride coming up. Being in charge of two rides is rough.
Well, I hope my sister gets off work soon, cause I am ready for bed.
I had lunch Sunday after Church with the college age kids at the Winter's house. The Winters are a super nice couple at my church. They both have huge hearts. This is the second time in the last couple of months that they have opened their beautiful home for about 25 people, and fixed them lunch. I hope one day I can minister to people like they do.
Other than that, I have just been working on Bicycle Club stuff. There is a ride that the club hosts on April 16'th. There will be about 400 riders there. I've been making the final plans and getting maps and release forms and stuff together to take to kinkos and copy. This is my first year Directing this particular ride. It is a much scaled down version of the ride I direct in August. That one had over 600 riders last year. We work with the Booster club's at both schools that host the rides. Then after expenses are paid, we make a good size donation to the Booster Clubs. We keep just enough money to keep us going. We are not offically a non profit group, but we operate similar to one. I have an officers meeting on Thursday night, where I will discuss the final details of the ride. Then there is a preview ride this saturday. Basically some club members will ride the route and let me know if I need to call the city or county street departments and have them come out and sweep gravel or construction dirt off the rode. Normally I check and make sure no paving or construction is taking place on roads that are in the route. However, this year, I have sorta forgotten to do that, so I pray that the roads are fine. If they are not, I will get lots of complaints from riders. As soon as this ride is over I have to start working on the one in August. I am behind on it due to the ride coming up. Being in charge of two rides is rough.
Well, I hope my sister gets off work soon, cause I am ready for bed.
Friday, April 01, 2005
Think Before You Speak
My sensitive feelings got hurt tonight. My parents has their Bible study group over at our house tonight. I stayed to eat then took my little sister and my nephew over to his house. Somehow some of the men started talking about TennCare and joking about how it was about time they did away with it and stuff. I didn't find this one bit funny. You see, I am one of those people, because of my chronic health problems, that cannot get insurance. So I am on TennCare. I have no idea what I will do when TennCare cuts happen. I have to get shots for my anemia that cost around $800 apiece. When my blood counts are low I get these shots every two weeks and it normally takes about three shots to get my blood back up. Not to mention the CBC blood tests every two weeks. I also take probably a hundred dollars worth of pills everyday for my Ulcerative Colitus. Previously I was on my parents insurance. My father works for Nissan and so for about 18 years I had some of the best health care coverage in Tennessee. To go from that to TennCare is a big shock. But I thank God that I have any insurance at all. I was without insurance for two months between the time my insurance ran out and when my tenncare started. It has been well over a year and I am still paying my medical bills from that time.
I am not proud to be on TennCare. I do not feel like I take advantage of TennCare or get more than I should. I can see some ways that TennCare is not managed well, but it's all I have, and what I depend on day to day.
So before people make fun of something, they need stop and think that you can't tell a person who is on TennCare by looking at them. They may be middle class, but if they can't get any other insurance, they are forced to turn to TennCare. There are people who will probably die from lack of proper medical care when they are no longer covered by TennCare. When other insurance companies won't insure people with chronic illnesses or people with cancer and other deadly illnesses, they are left with no choice but TennCare. Without TennCare, medical bills will go unpaid. Some hospitals won't be able to afford to stay open. Someone will have to pay for all the people who can't. Whether they do this through an increase in the cost of medical treatment for people with insurance or by raising taxes, it will cost everyone in the long run.
There is nothing funny about what is going on with TennCare. Until you have lived in the shoes of someone who depends on it, you have no room to judge, and no right to say anything about people who are on it.
I am not proud to be on TennCare. I do not feel like I take advantage of TennCare or get more than I should. I can see some ways that TennCare is not managed well, but it's all I have, and what I depend on day to day.
So before people make fun of something, they need stop and think that you can't tell a person who is on TennCare by looking at them. They may be middle class, but if they can't get any other insurance, they are forced to turn to TennCare. There are people who will probably die from lack of proper medical care when they are no longer covered by TennCare. When other insurance companies won't insure people with chronic illnesses or people with cancer and other deadly illnesses, they are left with no choice but TennCare. Without TennCare, medical bills will go unpaid. Some hospitals won't be able to afford to stay open. Someone will have to pay for all the people who can't. Whether they do this through an increase in the cost of medical treatment for people with insurance or by raising taxes, it will cost everyone in the long run.
There is nothing funny about what is going on with TennCare. Until you have lived in the shoes of someone who depends on it, you have no room to judge, and no right to say anything about people who are on it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)