I did a bunch of stuff today. I saw Stephanie, a woman who's little boy I keep sometimes. Stephanie and Andy (her husband) are my age, they met at Harding University and now they live here. Stephanie just had a baby girl 7 weeks ago.
Things are going good for me right now, so why do I feel lonely and down in the dumps? I was around people at Church tonight and I talked to people, but I still felt really alone for some reason.
I've talked about this before, but I see people my age that have good marriages and babies, and I can't help feeling a little jealous. That's what I want more than anything. I just have this really strong longing to be with someone and to get married. Maybe it's my biological clock ticking or something, but being single is really starting to get old.
I had to go to a friends from the Bicycle Club's office today to run 2,750 copies of the Flyer. It will be mailed out next week. Buying the paper myself, and using Brenda's work copier (a big one just like at Kinko's) saved over $400.00. Normally at Kinko's that many copies runs me about $500.00. So, I am proud of myself.
While I was at her office I saw this guy, then I did a double take and looked at him again. He was the same height (6'6"), same build (very skinny) and same hair color (brown), and even close to the same facial features, as my ex Fiance. It was really freaky. Except this guy was cuter than Bryan and when he smiled at me, he looked nothing like him. Bryan never really smiled.
Bryan was a big mistake. I rushed into the relationship, got engaged way to fast, and then saw his uncaring, hurtful side. I thank God that I didn't marry him. Bryan broke up with me when my broken arm was at it's worst, right before my second surgery on it. I wasn't fun enough, and didn't want to do enough (I had a washer end of a screw poking out my arm from the inside...much, much pain). The funny thing was that when we broke up, I felt more relieved than anything. I had known that I couldn't marry him. I saw that the day after I broke my arm, but I blamed it on all the painkillers I was on. I had surgery about a week or two after we broke up, they removed the screw from my arm at that time, and I got off painmed's right away. So basically, I was back to my normal self, about 2 weeks after we broke up.
It really hurts to have someone look you in the eye and say that they don't love you anymore. Even though I knew I didn't love him, I'm not sure that I ever loved him. I thought I was through with guys and I would just be single forever. About a year after things ended with Bryan, I started feeling ready for a relationship. now, three years later, here I am still waiting on that relationship.
One reason I'm still waiting is that I am super picky now. I know exactly what I don't want in a guy, and I know that he must be a Christian. I know a lot of people don't feel this is important, but I want someone who is a member of the Church of Christ and has similar beliefs to mine about worship. I know I could date right now, if I would settle for less than what I want, but I want someone who I can see Christ in, and I'm not going to settle for less.
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
Monday, June 27, 2005
No, But I've Got A Nephew
I went forward in Church yesterday to have announced that I got my job. I think people need to remember to praise God when good things happen, and not just pray when things are bad. Chuck, who made the anouncement was reminding people how badly I had needed a job with benefits. He said, "...and she's got a child." I said, "No, I've got a nephew." Everyone laughed and it was pretty funny. I thought everyone knew that he was Nephew, I guess he didn't.
Had the college group over for lunch yesterday, only six of them came. It ended up being really good though, and we all got to sit at the same table since there wasn't many of us. Also, some of the guys went back for 3'rds, and if we had had a lot of people, I think we might not have had enough food. We watched the video from our retreat a few months ago. I hope we have another retreat this fall.
I realized today that I have alot to do before I start my job. I want to get as much done for H.O.T. 100 (bike ride in August) as I can before I start my job. I also need to go buy some Scrubs. I found out that there is a Uniform outlet not far from here, that has a big selection of Scrub's cheaper than most places. I'm gonna go there next week. I copied my diploma's (High school and college) and got a copy of my college transcript today. I have to have those for work. I'm going to take those and my Infant and Child CPR certification card out to work tommorow and pick up some reference letters that I have to get people to fill out.
This is weird, but I have not had a moskito (sp?) bite in about five years. I think because I am Anemic so much and they must not like my blood like that. Well, I have a moskito bite. It's small, not all swollen up like they used to get (I'm guessing this is because of my immunosuppresent, my body must not be reacting to the bite or something) But it does itch. I guess they like me again. I had gotten used to not having to worry about them biting me. Before, they would land on me and then fly right off without biting. Maybe they should try and discover what the moskitos were sensing and bottle it as repelant?
Had the college group over for lunch yesterday, only six of them came. It ended up being really good though, and we all got to sit at the same table since there wasn't many of us. Also, some of the guys went back for 3'rds, and if we had had a lot of people, I think we might not have had enough food. We watched the video from our retreat a few months ago. I hope we have another retreat this fall.
I realized today that I have alot to do before I start my job. I want to get as much done for H.O.T. 100 (bike ride in August) as I can before I start my job. I also need to go buy some Scrubs. I found out that there is a Uniform outlet not far from here, that has a big selection of Scrub's cheaper than most places. I'm gonna go there next week. I copied my diploma's (High school and college) and got a copy of my college transcript today. I have to have those for work. I'm going to take those and my Infant and Child CPR certification card out to work tommorow and pick up some reference letters that I have to get people to fill out.
This is weird, but I have not had a moskito (sp?) bite in about five years. I think because I am Anemic so much and they must not like my blood like that. Well, I have a moskito bite. It's small, not all swollen up like they used to get (I'm guessing this is because of my immunosuppresent, my body must not be reacting to the bite or something) But it does itch. I guess they like me again. I had gotten used to not having to worry about them biting me. Before, they would land on me and then fly right off without biting. Maybe they should try and discover what the moskitos were sensing and bottle it as repelant?
Friday, June 24, 2005
Praise God!
I got my job!
They called me this afternoon. I will be working in their new daycare with preschool kids. Community Care is in the process of implimenting the "Eden Alternative." It promotes family, and community and havning a purpose. Instead of an Elderly person laying in bed all day waiting to die, they are gotten out of bed and they have different opportunites to participate in activities. The preschool kids will be interacting with the elderly people.
I have noticed that when my grandparents are around my nephew they seem to come alive. They are happier and seem to feel better when he is around. That is what it will be like for the residents at Community Care. You can read more about the Eden Alternative here: www.edenalt.com
They called me this afternoon. I will be working in their new daycare with preschool kids. Community Care is in the process of implimenting the "Eden Alternative." It promotes family, and community and havning a purpose. Instead of an Elderly person laying in bed all day waiting to die, they are gotten out of bed and they have different opportunites to participate in activities. The preschool kids will be interacting with the elderly people.
I have noticed that when my grandparents are around my nephew they seem to come alive. They are happier and seem to feel better when he is around. That is what it will be like for the residents at Community Care. You can read more about the Eden Alternative here: www.edenalt.com
No Title
I read a lot of different Blogs. One of my favorite's is http://www.brandonscottthomas.blogspot.com
(I hope I did that right. I discovered a nifty little button that says "insert link."
His last two posts have been especially good. About stepping out of your comfort zone, and also about admitting that we as Christians have failed some groups of people. No matter what someone has done in the past, they can still be saved.
I think Church's as a whole, fail to welcome people who are different. Some people feel that they have lived their life so wrong and done so many things that they know are wrong, that it is too late.
God has an amazing ability to forgive and forget. I think I've written about this before, but God doesn't care what you've done. Jesus welcomed all people into his arms, and he still does. That's what God's Grace is all about.
Brandon say's it so much better than me. If you have time, go read his site.
(I hope I did that right. I discovered a nifty little button that says "insert link."
His last two posts have been especially good. About stepping out of your comfort zone, and also about admitting that we as Christians have failed some groups of people. No matter what someone has done in the past, they can still be saved.
I think Church's as a whole, fail to welcome people who are different. Some people feel that they have lived their life so wrong and done so many things that they know are wrong, that it is too late.
God has an amazing ability to forgive and forget. I think I've written about this before, but God doesn't care what you've done. Jesus welcomed all people into his arms, and he still does. That's what God's Grace is all about.
Brandon say's it so much better than me. If you have time, go read his site.
Sunday, June 19, 2005
Father's Day
Church this morning was great. We talked about our earthly father and also our heavenly father. It's easy to forget God on Father's Day. While we give our father's ties and other dad type gifts, we need to remember to thank God for all he does for us. As a father, he made the biggest sacrifice that their is.
I had my job interview on Friday at the Nursing home. I think I need to devote a whole post to that, so I'll write about it later. I also talked to Mark (the administrator) at church today. He said that even if I don't get hired for their daycare program, he would find me a job there. It might be cleaning rooms or something, but it's worth it for the benifits.
On my last post I had a comment from a guy I went to Elementary school with. At first I couldn't figure out how he knew who I was, then I remembered that Clark has a link to my site on his. Such a small world, that a guy I knew 20 years ago would happen upon my blog. Anyway, I think I remember who he is.
While most were celebrating Father's day today, my dad was on a plane on the way back from Utah. He just finished cycling around the state. He should be home in an hour or so. Thursday he leaves for Washington State, again to bicycle . Then the day after he get's home from that trip, my mom, sister and dad leave for the Beach. I could have gone, but that many hours in the car with them is really not fun for me. Plus, hopefully my job will come through. I went on Vacation last fall by myself. I had a great time. I did want I wanted to do, ate when I was hungry, slept when I was tired, layed out by the pool and read a book, ordered room service, and stopped whenever I needed to stop during the drive there and back. That is my idea of a vacation. I doubt I'll be going anywhere this year, but there is always next year.
I had my job interview on Friday at the Nursing home. I think I need to devote a whole post to that, so I'll write about it later. I also talked to Mark (the administrator) at church today. He said that even if I don't get hired for their daycare program, he would find me a job there. It might be cleaning rooms or something, but it's worth it for the benifits.
On my last post I had a comment from a guy I went to Elementary school with. At first I couldn't figure out how he knew who I was, then I remembered that Clark has a link to my site on his. Such a small world, that a guy I knew 20 years ago would happen upon my blog. Anyway, I think I remember who he is.
While most were celebrating Father's day today, my dad was on a plane on the way back from Utah. He just finished cycling around the state. He should be home in an hour or so. Thursday he leaves for Washington State, again to bicycle . Then the day after he get's home from that trip, my mom, sister and dad leave for the Beach. I could have gone, but that many hours in the car with them is really not fun for me. Plus, hopefully my job will come through. I went on Vacation last fall by myself. I had a great time. I did want I wanted to do, ate when I was hungry, slept when I was tired, layed out by the pool and read a book, ordered room service, and stopped whenever I needed to stop during the drive there and back. That is my idea of a vacation. I doubt I'll be going anywhere this year, but there is always next year.
Sunday, June 12, 2005
Trusting in God
I went forward in church this morning. After the bad week I had last week, I was just feeling really broken. Like I was trying to hold it all together, but inside I was a mess.
I had an opportunity earlier this week, to go to nursing school in Nashville. That happened about the same time I got my TennCare papers. School is just not an option right now because of my health insurance situation. But since then, when I ask God what I'm supposed to do, I keep hearing that little voice in me saying "trust me." I can't help wondering that if maybe I had trusted God and gone to school in Nashville, maybe everything would have worked out.
Last night, I was pretty upset, thinking about what if I had messed up? What if by not trusting God I had screwed up everything? I asked for prayers this morning for my insurance situation, and for my job situation.
I sat through the sermon knowing that I needed to go forward. I knew that what is going on is not something I can face alone. Two men at my church went up also, for different reasons. One is someone I have known a while and care very much about. All three of us were crying and people were gathered around us and prayers were said. I felt such a relief to get all of it out in the open. There is no way I could have gone up like that at my old church. For one thing, I never felt like anyone there cared, and the church is so big it would have been really intimidating.
When church was over, my preachers brother came up to me. He is an administrator at a local nursing home. He said that if I want it, there is a job for me at the nursing home, with full benefits! I'm going there tommorow to talk to him about it. All I can say is, praise God! He humbled me and made me ask for help, then he provided an answer to my problems.
I feel so blessed to be a part of Stones River Church. Every time I am there, it becomes more evident that I'm in the right place. God put me there for a reason.
I had an opportunity earlier this week, to go to nursing school in Nashville. That happened about the same time I got my TennCare papers. School is just not an option right now because of my health insurance situation. But since then, when I ask God what I'm supposed to do, I keep hearing that little voice in me saying "trust me." I can't help wondering that if maybe I had trusted God and gone to school in Nashville, maybe everything would have worked out.
Last night, I was pretty upset, thinking about what if I had messed up? What if by not trusting God I had screwed up everything? I asked for prayers this morning for my insurance situation, and for my job situation.
I sat through the sermon knowing that I needed to go forward. I knew that what is going on is not something I can face alone. Two men at my church went up also, for different reasons. One is someone I have known a while and care very much about. All three of us were crying and people were gathered around us and prayers were said. I felt such a relief to get all of it out in the open. There is no way I could have gone up like that at my old church. For one thing, I never felt like anyone there cared, and the church is so big it would have been really intimidating.
When church was over, my preachers brother came up to me. He is an administrator at a local nursing home. He said that if I want it, there is a job for me at the nursing home, with full benefits! I'm going there tommorow to talk to him about it. All I can say is, praise God! He humbled me and made me ask for help, then he provided an answer to my problems.
I feel so blessed to be a part of Stones River Church. Every time I am there, it becomes more evident that I'm in the right place. God put me there for a reason.
God,
Thank you for all you do in my life. You never stop amazing me with your love. Be with me as I go talk to Mark tomorrow about the job. Let this be an answer to my prayers. God please be with Steven and Steve. They both came forward when I did this morning. They have specific area's in their lives where they need you. God get them past what they are going through. God help me to trust in you more. Help me to put my relationship with you first.
Please be with Ashleigh. We took her to camp today. It's her first week long camp. Leaving her was not easy. Give us peace of mind, and keep her safe.
In your son's name,
amen
Thank you for all you do in my life. You never stop amazing me with your love. Be with me as I go talk to Mark tomorrow about the job. Let this be an answer to my prayers. God please be with Steven and Steve. They both came forward when I did this morning. They have specific area's in their lives where they need you. God get them past what they are going through. God help me to trust in you more. Help me to put my relationship with you first.
Please be with Ashleigh. We took her to camp today. It's her first week long camp. Leaving her was not easy. Give us peace of mind, and keep her safe.
In your son's name,
amen
Tuesday, June 07, 2005
Crying
I feel like I want to cry. For some reason I've been holding it in since saturday. It's going to come out, I just am not ready to let go yet.
I got my letter from nursing school. I'm an alternate. I realize this is further than a lot of people get. I studied my butt off for the test I had to take just to get an interview. I got my interview, and I had to answer so many questions. I answered them all honestly, I was honest about my health, and I couldn't have done any differently. So unless some person for some reason drops before class starts in a month, and I happen to be the first alternate, no nursing for me.
Today I got my Tenncare letter. Until today I could pretend that maybe I wasn't one of the ones loosing their coverage. Maybe for some reason the Tenncare people would let me keep mine. I have papers I have to send back, but from reading the stuff I'de say my tenncare is gone. I'm not being negative, it was there in black and white. I don't qualify for medicaid, I don't have children, i'm not in a nursing home...
The insurance hurts so much more than the nursing school thing. Sure I'm upset about school, but I don't know how to live without health insurance. Maybe I'm naive and dumb, but this is the first time I've really felt like my government has failed me. And it hurts. It hurts so much.
It's hard for me to have faith and to put my trust in God when it seems like my life is falling apart.
I know I sound like I feel sorry for myself. Tonight I do. In the morning, more than likely I won't, but tonight I need to let this all out.
I'm so scared about where my life is headed. Why do so many bad things happen to me? Why do bad things seem to happen all at once?
I just want God to take this pain away and take these burdens away from me. God doesn't give us more than we can bare, but I feel like I'm at the breaking point.
I'm tired of being sick, tired of being single, tired of feeling alone, just tired of everything.
I wish I wasn't alone now, I need someone to hold me and just let me cry. I've cried a little while typing this, but not like I need to.
I guess my point to all my rambling is God, please take some of these worries off of me, take them all. Help me to stop feeling so empty. God let me find a job soon. Most of all thank you, because I know, that even though I don't see them or feel them, your arms are wrapped around me right now, holding me tight.
I got my letter from nursing school. I'm an alternate. I realize this is further than a lot of people get. I studied my butt off for the test I had to take just to get an interview. I got my interview, and I had to answer so many questions. I answered them all honestly, I was honest about my health, and I couldn't have done any differently. So unless some person for some reason drops before class starts in a month, and I happen to be the first alternate, no nursing for me.
Today I got my Tenncare letter. Until today I could pretend that maybe I wasn't one of the ones loosing their coverage. Maybe for some reason the Tenncare people would let me keep mine. I have papers I have to send back, but from reading the stuff I'de say my tenncare is gone. I'm not being negative, it was there in black and white. I don't qualify for medicaid, I don't have children, i'm not in a nursing home...
The insurance hurts so much more than the nursing school thing. Sure I'm upset about school, but I don't know how to live without health insurance. Maybe I'm naive and dumb, but this is the first time I've really felt like my government has failed me. And it hurts. It hurts so much.
It's hard for me to have faith and to put my trust in God when it seems like my life is falling apart.
I know I sound like I feel sorry for myself. Tonight I do. In the morning, more than likely I won't, but tonight I need to let this all out.
I'm so scared about where my life is headed. Why do so many bad things happen to me? Why do bad things seem to happen all at once?
I just want God to take this pain away and take these burdens away from me. God doesn't give us more than we can bare, but I feel like I'm at the breaking point.
I'm tired of being sick, tired of being single, tired of feeling alone, just tired of everything.
I wish I wasn't alone now, I need someone to hold me and just let me cry. I've cried a little while typing this, but not like I need to.
I guess my point to all my rambling is God, please take some of these worries off of me, take them all. Help me to stop feeling so empty. God let me find a job soon. Most of all thank you, because I know, that even though I don't see them or feel them, your arms are wrapped around me right now, holding me tight.
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