I found out Sunday Night that my Grandmother Priscilla and her husband, Bill were coming yesterday. I only half beleaved my mom when she told me, but around 3:00 yesterday afternoon they showed up.
I should tell a little background info. on them. She is my dad's mother. My dad's father died when I was 12. They divorced when I was little and she married Bill. Growing up my dad was the oldest of five boys. Many times child abusers single out one kid to take all the abuse. In my dad's case, he was the chosen one. I don't know all the details, but I know enough. Oh, and also in this case, my grandmother was the one who did the abusing.
My grandmother has lived in Florida since I was a little kid. She has driven right past Murfreesboro on several occasions on the way up to Illinios to visit my dads brothers and not stopped to see us. For most of my life, I have not thought of myself as having another Grandmother. My Grandparents in Nashville have been all the grandparents I have needed (and more.) My little sister was the type of baby that would let anyone hold her. In one of my Grandma priscillas rare visits, my sister went right to her. Since then she sends my family gifts at Christmas and at our birthdays. It's really hard for me to allow her into my life. She is someone I saw maybe every 5 years growing up. I didn't let her hold me when I was a baby, and sometimes it's like I'm still paying for that.
Yesterday when she showed up (with less than 24 hours notice.) I had already made plans to do something that night. She wanted to take us all to eat. When I stated my plans, she said " I'm only going to be here one night, but go if you want to." Arggg! I hate being guilt tripped and manipulated. We ended up going to eat early and I still kept my plans. Well, today my sister came over and brought a card for my little sister. It was from my grandmother and had a 20 dollar bill in it. My older sister got $100.00 from her (mostly for my nephew.) Guess what I got? Nothing. I know it's wrong to be jealous, but I'm not just jealous, I'm hurt. I've always made an effort to be nice to her, even when I felt like the effort was one sided. I think I need to always remember what being left out feels like and make sure I never do it to anyone. Maybe five years from now, when I see her again, I will have forgotten being left out. (sorry, that was kinda mean.)
On a happier note, I went to Yoga/Pilates last night. It was fun. Not so much like exercise to me, more like stretching and balancing. Well, today my butt hurts and my back and my ab's. The instructer said I have strong ab's. I don't know how you get strong ab's when you don't excercise and you eat mostly junk. But I'm not going to argue with her. So I guess I have strong ab's. I liked it, so I think I'm going to go back next monday. I have a bit of pudge around my middle I would like to shrink.
The guy at church who won't talk to me that I mentioned in a previous post? Well, he went on the retreat this weekend. I made an effort to talk to him, mostly me saying hello and thank you and him making grunting noises at me, but it was a start. I saw him yesterday and he said "hi, sarah." Maybe things will get better between us. God put us in the same house over the weekend, in the same small group of people, for a reason.
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
Sunday, April 24, 2005
Retreat Weekend
I went on a retreat this past weekend with nine other young adults from my church. It was an awesome, uplifting weekend. We went to someone's cabin on Center Hill Lake. We only spent one night. I wish we had one up on Friday night instead of Saturday. I would have easily stayed longer. We got up there on saturday afternoon. The place was bigger than we thought it would be. We took a short walk through the woods behind the cabin to a creek. Somewhere, we had been told, was a waterfall. We never managed to find it, but I was content just hearing the peaceful flowing of the water in the stream.
After a wonderful meal of Steaks and baked potatoes, we settled in for some singing and listened to a reading about the passover. Then we each took a turn giving our testimony. Mine was not so much a testimony as a much needed time to get some stuff off my chest. I have carried this "baggage" with me for the last 8 years or so.
I was baptized when I was 13. I knew what being baptized meant, but I'm not sure the reason behind when I chose to do it. I knew I was giving my life over to Christ and confessing that I believed he died for me. I was hurt a lot over the next 6 years of school. I went through a lot of things that left me asking why? I still don't understand why, but I have to trust that I experienced it all for a reason. I got sick with colitis my Junior year in highschool. I didn't totally understand my illness and the time and I was being constantly bullied and harrassed at school. Because of this, I trusted no one and my self esteem was non existent. When I got to college at MTSU, I was invisible. I went to class and went home. I didn't have any friends, because I had seen how so called "friends" treated me.
Then I discovered guys. I had dated a couple of times in high school, but nothing very serious. Now, in college, there were all these guys and they would pay attention to me. The only time I felt good about myself was when I had a guys attention. I started dating someone shortly after I turned 20. He was 4 years older than me and much more experienced. I was very naive and confused the attention I got from him with love and actual feelings. The only feeling he had for me was lust. I was a virgin and he groomed me and pushed me a little more each time I saw him until one day, in a nasty apartment, I gave away my virginity to him. He acted like it was no big deal. I was sure this was love. I dated him for six months. During this time he treated me bad, was always late and only came around for sex. I thought that sex was all I was good for. I finally reached a point where I just couldn't take him anymore and broke up with him. I immediatly felt lonely and sought out another guy to solve this. Over the next few years I slept around here and there. It felt good for about 5 minutes and then all I felt was guilt and for some reason I still felt lonely.
I started going to the Christian center a year or so after breaking up with the first guy. I thought that I could change my life there. Shortly after going there I discovered that guys there wanted the same things other guys did. One thing was different though, I now had the attention of what I thought were good christian guys. Turns out that jerks are everywhere. Also, once you allow yourself to be used for sex, there are guys who seem to sense that. I was not a victim up until this point. I had freely given myself to the guys I dated. I met a guy at the center. He was a roomate of one of our officers. I ignored that voice inside me (a voice you should never ignore) and went to his dorm room. We started making out and that was as far as I wanted it to go. Something about him rubbed me the wrong way. I tried to push him off of me and he said "your in no position to change your mind now." and then proceeded to rape me. I carried this deep dark secret of being raped around with me for a week. I told no one. When I finally did tell someone, she said "I was afraid this would happen, what did you expect, with the way you act around guys." So I never told anyone else. I decided that the rape was my fault. After that I dated a few more guys. Four years ago I drove a co worker home after work and went in his apartment with him. He attempted to rape me, but I was crying and shaking and he decided to stop. I got lucky that night. Ironically, both the rapist and attempted rapist were MTSU football players. At that same time I was taking a class called Violence and the Family. We were discussing rape in it. I couldn't bear to go listen to the lectures a lot of times. I told my profesor what had happened to me. She seemed totally unshocked that it was by a football player. It was through this class and a class called Victimology that I realized that I said no. I was victimized and no matter how much I flirted to begin with and how much I made out with the first guy, the bottom line was no means no. I now realized that this was not my fault. I also realized that my behavior and my life had to change, or this kind of thing would keep happening to me. I worked hard and although I did slip up and go to far with one guy after that, I have since gotten very picky about who I date, if I even date at all.
Realizing that the attention I was getting was not the kind of attention I wanted was a big step. I was at times hindered by my reputation. Especially around the center. I thought that a few guys were interested in me, turns out that through the rumor mill they had heard about me. Now that I don't do things I shouldn't I mostly do not date. I realize now the difference between love and lust.
Forgiving myself has been the hardest part. I know that God has forgiven me and he wants me to move on with my life. Sometimes my conscious won't let me do that. I know that is satan trying to remind me of my weaknesses. I'm not a weak person. If anything, my health problems and stuff I've experienced have left me with the strength of a body builder. This is something I've learned that in some situations being the strong one is a good thing. It allows me to remain calm in situations that others wouldn't and I have this strong urge to help others. I hope that through nursing (If I get in) I can work with Hospice, cancer patients or, I think my heart is really pulled towards a place like Special Kids. Special Kids is a nonprofit daycare if sorts for medically fragile children. I babysat for a baby a few years ago who was born with just enough brainstem to keep her alive. She could not situp, talk, or even swallow. She also had frequent seizures. I learned to tube feed her, and I fell in love with her. She began going to Special Kids and it was awesome. It allowed her mom to work while knowing that she was being taken care of by trained nurses and physical and occupational therapists. Shortly before her second birthday, she underwent a growth spurt. She started looking more like a little girl and less like a baby. Her little lungs and heart just could not support this big girl she was becoming and she died peacefully in her sleep.
Since then , I have felt really drawn to medically fragile, special needs children. To the point that, if I ever marry, I want to adopt, and I would be willing to take a child with special needs. I feel like I have seen what it takes day to day to care for a child like this, and God has given me a gift to be able to handle it and has given me more than enough love to share with a child, no matter how long they have on earth.
Wow, I went from talking about the retreat, to sex, to my future.
Anyway, the retreat was a much needed get away and it sounded like all ten of us are at similar times in our lives. We are all unsure of our future and where we should go from here. Oh yeah, we had an 11'th reatreater who wasn't discovered until this morning. Seems that while we were singing and talking and worshipping, we had an audience of one little grey mouse. She teased us by darting out from under couches to the fireplace and then between the cabinets in the kitchen. Oh well, all she witnessed, was a lot of love for Christ and for each other.
After a wonderful meal of Steaks and baked potatoes, we settled in for some singing and listened to a reading about the passover. Then we each took a turn giving our testimony. Mine was not so much a testimony as a much needed time to get some stuff off my chest. I have carried this "baggage" with me for the last 8 years or so.
I was baptized when I was 13. I knew what being baptized meant, but I'm not sure the reason behind when I chose to do it. I knew I was giving my life over to Christ and confessing that I believed he died for me. I was hurt a lot over the next 6 years of school. I went through a lot of things that left me asking why? I still don't understand why, but I have to trust that I experienced it all for a reason. I got sick with colitis my Junior year in highschool. I didn't totally understand my illness and the time and I was being constantly bullied and harrassed at school. Because of this, I trusted no one and my self esteem was non existent. When I got to college at MTSU, I was invisible. I went to class and went home. I didn't have any friends, because I had seen how so called "friends" treated me.
Then I discovered guys. I had dated a couple of times in high school, but nothing very serious. Now, in college, there were all these guys and they would pay attention to me. The only time I felt good about myself was when I had a guys attention. I started dating someone shortly after I turned 20. He was 4 years older than me and much more experienced. I was very naive and confused the attention I got from him with love and actual feelings. The only feeling he had for me was lust. I was a virgin and he groomed me and pushed me a little more each time I saw him until one day, in a nasty apartment, I gave away my virginity to him. He acted like it was no big deal. I was sure this was love. I dated him for six months. During this time he treated me bad, was always late and only came around for sex. I thought that sex was all I was good for. I finally reached a point where I just couldn't take him anymore and broke up with him. I immediatly felt lonely and sought out another guy to solve this. Over the next few years I slept around here and there. It felt good for about 5 minutes and then all I felt was guilt and for some reason I still felt lonely.
I started going to the Christian center a year or so after breaking up with the first guy. I thought that I could change my life there. Shortly after going there I discovered that guys there wanted the same things other guys did. One thing was different though, I now had the attention of what I thought were good christian guys. Turns out that jerks are everywhere. Also, once you allow yourself to be used for sex, there are guys who seem to sense that. I was not a victim up until this point. I had freely given myself to the guys I dated. I met a guy at the center. He was a roomate of one of our officers. I ignored that voice inside me (a voice you should never ignore) and went to his dorm room. We started making out and that was as far as I wanted it to go. Something about him rubbed me the wrong way. I tried to push him off of me and he said "your in no position to change your mind now." and then proceeded to rape me. I carried this deep dark secret of being raped around with me for a week. I told no one. When I finally did tell someone, she said "I was afraid this would happen, what did you expect, with the way you act around guys." So I never told anyone else. I decided that the rape was my fault. After that I dated a few more guys. Four years ago I drove a co worker home after work and went in his apartment with him. He attempted to rape me, but I was crying and shaking and he decided to stop. I got lucky that night. Ironically, both the rapist and attempted rapist were MTSU football players. At that same time I was taking a class called Violence and the Family. We were discussing rape in it. I couldn't bear to go listen to the lectures a lot of times. I told my profesor what had happened to me. She seemed totally unshocked that it was by a football player. It was through this class and a class called Victimology that I realized that I said no. I was victimized and no matter how much I flirted to begin with and how much I made out with the first guy, the bottom line was no means no. I now realized that this was not my fault. I also realized that my behavior and my life had to change, or this kind of thing would keep happening to me. I worked hard and although I did slip up and go to far with one guy after that, I have since gotten very picky about who I date, if I even date at all.
Realizing that the attention I was getting was not the kind of attention I wanted was a big step. I was at times hindered by my reputation. Especially around the center. I thought that a few guys were interested in me, turns out that through the rumor mill they had heard about me. Now that I don't do things I shouldn't I mostly do not date. I realize now the difference between love and lust.
Forgiving myself has been the hardest part. I know that God has forgiven me and he wants me to move on with my life. Sometimes my conscious won't let me do that. I know that is satan trying to remind me of my weaknesses. I'm not a weak person. If anything, my health problems and stuff I've experienced have left me with the strength of a body builder. This is something I've learned that in some situations being the strong one is a good thing. It allows me to remain calm in situations that others wouldn't and I have this strong urge to help others. I hope that through nursing (If I get in) I can work with Hospice, cancer patients or, I think my heart is really pulled towards a place like Special Kids. Special Kids is a nonprofit daycare if sorts for medically fragile children. I babysat for a baby a few years ago who was born with just enough brainstem to keep her alive. She could not situp, talk, or even swallow. She also had frequent seizures. I learned to tube feed her, and I fell in love with her. She began going to Special Kids and it was awesome. It allowed her mom to work while knowing that she was being taken care of by trained nurses and physical and occupational therapists. Shortly before her second birthday, she underwent a growth spurt. She started looking more like a little girl and less like a baby. Her little lungs and heart just could not support this big girl she was becoming and she died peacefully in her sleep.
Since then , I have felt really drawn to medically fragile, special needs children. To the point that, if I ever marry, I want to adopt, and I would be willing to take a child with special needs. I feel like I have seen what it takes day to day to care for a child like this, and God has given me a gift to be able to handle it and has given me more than enough love to share with a child, no matter how long they have on earth.
Wow, I went from talking about the retreat, to sex, to my future.
Anyway, the retreat was a much needed get away and it sounded like all ten of us are at similar times in our lives. We are all unsure of our future and where we should go from here. Oh yeah, we had an 11'th reatreater who wasn't discovered until this morning. Seems that while we were singing and talking and worshipping, we had an audience of one little grey mouse. She teased us by darting out from under couches to the fireplace and then between the cabinets in the kitchen. Oh well, all she witnessed, was a lot of love for Christ and for each other.
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
Back To Normal
I finally feel like myself again. Saturday was the Bicycle ride that I directed. Directing is always a stressful, tiring job. I had to coordinate everything, including rest stops, support drivers (people who drive the route and pick up bikers who poop out or have mechanical problems), and HAM radio operators (since much of the route goes pretty far out in the country where there is no cell phone service). The HAM Radio guys are one of the most vital parts of both of the rides I direct. They are my eyes and ears since I can't be out on the route. If need be, they can call and get an ambulance somewhere much faster than I can from my post at the school. Last year at the ride in August a man fell and broke his hip. They kept me informed of what was going on and provided me with his name (once they could get to where they could call me on a cell phone, HAM radio does not provide much privacy and you don't really want to say an injured persons name over it.) so I could call his emergency contact. There is also a HAM guy who stays at the school and sets up his equipment. So, basically he communicates with the others for me. He also provided me with a two way radio, which came in handy when I went to grab some food inside the school. While I was eating we were notified of a guy who took a wrong turn and was lost and something was wrong with his bike. Someone went and picked him up and everything was fine.
Saturday was a long day. I had to be out at the school at 5:15 a.m. which meant I got up at 4 a.m. I am not a morning person, so me getting up when it is still dark is a rare occurance. I was at the school at around 3 pm that afternoon. For the H.O.T. 100 in August I get to the school at around 4 a.m. and am there until around 4 or 5 p.m. So Saturday was not quite as long as it could have been. Even so, it has taken me until today to feel like I have caught up on my sleep. I slept from 7:30 pm saturday until 10 a.m. sunday. Then I slept off and on all day sunday. So guess what I did? slept so much that I couldn't sleep Sunday night. I was awake all night reading a book and finally fell asleep about 6 a.m. monday morning and woke up at 11 a.m. Then I had to go get my nephew and run a few errands. I came home last night and crashed about 10:30 and slept until 9:00 this morning. I feel better now.
I'm really not looking forward to planning the H.O.T. 100. It's a lot harder than the Two County Metric (saturdays ride). It's like pulling teeth to get anyone to volunteer, so I have to do all kinds of things to get enough people. From putting an article in the newsletter explaining how as a club, we put on two rides a year and it is our responsiblility to work these rides, it is the only impression of us that some people get and we want it to be a good one. I usually end up just going through the list of club members and calling them. It's hard for people to come up with excuses about why they can't help when you catch them off guard.
I'm really thankful that no one got hurt Saturday. We had 297 people, which was less than last year, but a good crowd. The H.O.T 100 has close to 600, thats why it's so much more work.
God also provided us with gorgeous weather on Saturday. Warm, but not too warm.
I've had my nephew all day today. He is such a good baby. He was five months old this past monday. Seems like only yesterday I was watching him be born and holding him only minutes afterward. Now he's getting so big. Sometimes I wonder what he'll be like when he is older. I hope he loves God, and always tries to do the right thing. I'll love him just the same no matter what. I just hope he makes good choices in life. That's the same thing I wish for my little sister also. I also pray that they both hold on to their purity for as long as they can. I always hope that my little sister waits until her wedding night to have sex. Premarital sex really messes with your self esteem and for women, there are so many feelings involved. We tend to associate love with sex, even when lust is the only thing that plays a role in it. The guilt afterward, makes whatever few minutes of pleasure you had, not even worth it. I know that there are young girls everywhere making the decision to have sex before they are really ready and before they are married. It's an experience that I know hurts you more than anything. I'll write more about this another time. I have so much more I could say on the subject.
Saturday was a long day. I had to be out at the school at 5:15 a.m. which meant I got up at 4 a.m. I am not a morning person, so me getting up when it is still dark is a rare occurance. I was at the school at around 3 pm that afternoon. For the H.O.T. 100 in August I get to the school at around 4 a.m. and am there until around 4 or 5 p.m. So Saturday was not quite as long as it could have been. Even so, it has taken me until today to feel like I have caught up on my sleep. I slept from 7:30 pm saturday until 10 a.m. sunday. Then I slept off and on all day sunday. So guess what I did? slept so much that I couldn't sleep Sunday night. I was awake all night reading a book and finally fell asleep about 6 a.m. monday morning and woke up at 11 a.m. Then I had to go get my nephew and run a few errands. I came home last night and crashed about 10:30 and slept until 9:00 this morning. I feel better now.
I'm really not looking forward to planning the H.O.T. 100. It's a lot harder than the Two County Metric (saturdays ride). It's like pulling teeth to get anyone to volunteer, so I have to do all kinds of things to get enough people. From putting an article in the newsletter explaining how as a club, we put on two rides a year and it is our responsiblility to work these rides, it is the only impression of us that some people get and we want it to be a good one. I usually end up just going through the list of club members and calling them. It's hard for people to come up with excuses about why they can't help when you catch them off guard.
I'm really thankful that no one got hurt Saturday. We had 297 people, which was less than last year, but a good crowd. The H.O.T 100 has close to 600, thats why it's so much more work.
God also provided us with gorgeous weather on Saturday. Warm, but not too warm.
I've had my nephew all day today. He is such a good baby. He was five months old this past monday. Seems like only yesterday I was watching him be born and holding him only minutes afterward. Now he's getting so big. Sometimes I wonder what he'll be like when he is older. I hope he loves God, and always tries to do the right thing. I'll love him just the same no matter what. I just hope he makes good choices in life. That's the same thing I wish for my little sister also. I also pray that they both hold on to their purity for as long as they can. I always hope that my little sister waits until her wedding night to have sex. Premarital sex really messes with your self esteem and for women, there are so many feelings involved. We tend to associate love with sex, even when lust is the only thing that plays a role in it. The guilt afterward, makes whatever few minutes of pleasure you had, not even worth it. I know that there are young girls everywhere making the decision to have sex before they are really ready and before they are married. It's an experience that I know hurts you more than anything. I'll write more about this another time. I have so much more I could say on the subject.
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
Books
I just finished a book by Nicholas Sparks. It's the fourth book of his that I have read. He wrote "A Walk To Remember," A great book which was later made into a movie starring Mandy Moore. Until I read "A Walk To Remember," I never knew that a book could make me cry. I mean, everything else has the ability to make me cry, but I never have really been touched by a book in the same way. Well, tonight, the water works were a flowing. Wow! If I could remember the name of the one I read tonight I would tell you (yes, I read a whole book in a night, I read fast, especially if it's good.) Something about the way he writes or the emotions that he goes for, have had me crying by the end of every book of his I've ever read. It's not a bad kind of crying, not one that leaves me feeling all drained. It's more of an identifying with the characters in his book, and feeling really moved kind of crying.
I love books. Give me a quiet house, and a good book and I am happy. I don't need to go out and party, or really even do things others think are exciting. I am very low key and I actually usually don't like a lot of excitement going on around me. I'm not one to thrive on adrenalen.
I babysat today. I kept a 2 1/2 year old girl that I have met, but never babysat before. Here is what I heard for two straight hours: "I want momma...I want mommy...mommy...mommy..." with a few of those snorts and gasps kids do between tears thrown in here and there. I tried everything I could think of to distract her. Nothing worked. She finally just turned off the tears and started talking to me and playing a little. That and the poop accident in her pullup did not make for one of my best babysitting experiences. She is a very sweet little girl, she was just confused cause I wasn't her normal babysitter.
Well, it's really late and I should be asleep.
I love books. Give me a quiet house, and a good book and I am happy. I don't need to go out and party, or really even do things others think are exciting. I am very low key and I actually usually don't like a lot of excitement going on around me. I'm not one to thrive on adrenalen.
I babysat today. I kept a 2 1/2 year old girl that I have met, but never babysat before. Here is what I heard for two straight hours: "I want momma...I want mommy...mommy...mommy..." with a few of those snorts and gasps kids do between tears thrown in here and there. I tried everything I could think of to distract her. Nothing worked. She finally just turned off the tears and started talking to me and playing a little. That and the poop accident in her pullup did not make for one of my best babysitting experiences. She is a very sweet little girl, she was just confused cause I wasn't her normal babysitter.
Well, it's really late and I should be asleep.
Sunday, April 10, 2005
Stuff
I haven't felt much like posting the last week. Not much has gone on to post about anyway.
My sister turned 32 earlier this week. So until July 30'th she is now four years older than me (hahaha).
Brandon Scott Thomas has a saying on his blog (I don't know how to link to it or I would) for things that you just can't blog about. He calls it "creamed corn." That is kinda what is going on with me. I have some stuff on my heart that someone confided in me at church this morning, but I will have to sort it out without posting about it.
I went to a small group Bible Study with some people from church tonight. They are all about my age (married of course). They are watching the Dave Ramsey Financial Peace video series right now. I know Dave has some very good points, and he has gotten a lot of people out of dept, but something about this guy just grates on my nerves. Maybe it is that you have to pay him, when you are already in dept, to have him tell you how to get out of dept. My parents went through his program several years ago. As a teenager I was forced to endure his radio show whenever I was in the car with my parents. That probably explains my feelings for him. I don't own a credit card, nor have I ever, so I guess I feel like a lot of what he says doesn't pertain to me. I do have student loans out the wazoo, but the only thing I can do about those is pay them. He says if you have something you owe money on, besides a house, sell it. Can I sell my student loans? I wish. Drop me an email if you want to buy them from me :)
Word has gotten out that I am not keeping Austin anymore. I have to babysit for a little boy in the morning and then go keep a little girl right after that. I also have to keep the same little girl on Tuesday. I had the boy two days last week. I may be able to pay my taxes after all. I want to go down to the city schools office and apply to be a sub. Looks like I won't have time until wed. to go out there.
My sister turned 32 earlier this week. So until July 30'th she is now four years older than me (hahaha).
Brandon Scott Thomas has a saying on his blog (I don't know how to link to it or I would) for things that you just can't blog about. He calls it "creamed corn." That is kinda what is going on with me. I have some stuff on my heart that someone confided in me at church this morning, but I will have to sort it out without posting about it.
I went to a small group Bible Study with some people from church tonight. They are all about my age (married of course). They are watching the Dave Ramsey Financial Peace video series right now. I know Dave has some very good points, and he has gotten a lot of people out of dept, but something about this guy just grates on my nerves. Maybe it is that you have to pay him, when you are already in dept, to have him tell you how to get out of dept. My parents went through his program several years ago. As a teenager I was forced to endure his radio show whenever I was in the car with my parents. That probably explains my feelings for him. I don't own a credit card, nor have I ever, so I guess I feel like a lot of what he says doesn't pertain to me. I do have student loans out the wazoo, but the only thing I can do about those is pay them. He says if you have something you owe money on, besides a house, sell it. Can I sell my student loans? I wish. Drop me an email if you want to buy them from me :)
Word has gotten out that I am not keeping Austin anymore. I have to babysit for a little boy in the morning and then go keep a little girl right after that. I also have to keep the same little girl on Tuesday. I had the boy two days last week. I may be able to pay my taxes after all. I want to go down to the city schools office and apply to be a sub. Looks like I won't have time until wed. to go out there.
God,
Thank you for the wonderful day you gave us today. The weather was gorgeous and Church was so uplifting. God I want to lift up the person at my church that told me some painful things that had happened to them. Thank you for giving her peace of mind and helping her move past it. God, we have both made a lot of the same mistakes. Help us to be able to minister to each other and put our pasts behind us. I also want to ask you to be with my friend Jamie. I just love her and her family God. Her father was recently diagnosed with Colon Cancer. Be with them as they wait to find out if it has spread. Be with the doctors who will decide his treatment, and heal him if it be your will. They prayed for years for him to become a Christian and just a few years ago he was baptized. Let them find peace of mind in this. I love you God, and I am so grateful for the life you have given me and the people you have put in my path. I feel honered to be able to worship you and to know that you are always there.
In Jesus' Name, Amen
Thank you for the wonderful day you gave us today. The weather was gorgeous and Church was so uplifting. God I want to lift up the person at my church that told me some painful things that had happened to them. Thank you for giving her peace of mind and helping her move past it. God, we have both made a lot of the same mistakes. Help us to be able to minister to each other and put our pasts behind us. I also want to ask you to be with my friend Jamie. I just love her and her family God. Her father was recently diagnosed with Colon Cancer. Be with them as they wait to find out if it has spread. Be with the doctors who will decide his treatment, and heal him if it be your will. They prayed for years for him to become a Christian and just a few years ago he was baptized. Let them find peace of mind in this. I love you God, and I am so grateful for the life you have given me and the people you have put in my path. I feel honered to be able to worship you and to know that you are always there.
In Jesus' Name, Amen
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
Tired
My nephew screamed for 45 minutes tonight. I finally got him to fall asleep. He fights sleep sometimes and for an almost 5 month old, he sure can have a temper at times. Most of the time he is the sweetest baby. I finally took him up to my room and layed him on my down comforter on my bed. I sat across from him and put his legs on my lap, I layed my arms kind of on him and he grabbed my hands and held them. Then I lightly bounced the bed and he finally gave in and went to sleep. I knew he was just tired because I had given him drops for gas, put stuff on his gums for teething, fed him, burped him, and changed his diaper. I don't know why my bed works, but this is the second time that exact position has worked when he was really tired and mad.
I had lunch Sunday after Church with the college age kids at the Winter's house. The Winters are a super nice couple at my church. They both have huge hearts. This is the second time in the last couple of months that they have opened their beautiful home for about 25 people, and fixed them lunch. I hope one day I can minister to people like they do.
Other than that, I have just been working on Bicycle Club stuff. There is a ride that the club hosts on April 16'th. There will be about 400 riders there. I've been making the final plans and getting maps and release forms and stuff together to take to kinkos and copy. This is my first year Directing this particular ride. It is a much scaled down version of the ride I direct in August. That one had over 600 riders last year. We work with the Booster club's at both schools that host the rides. Then after expenses are paid, we make a good size donation to the Booster Clubs. We keep just enough money to keep us going. We are not offically a non profit group, but we operate similar to one. I have an officers meeting on Thursday night, where I will discuss the final details of the ride. Then there is a preview ride this saturday. Basically some club members will ride the route and let me know if I need to call the city or county street departments and have them come out and sweep gravel or construction dirt off the rode. Normally I check and make sure no paving or construction is taking place on roads that are in the route. However, this year, I have sorta forgotten to do that, so I pray that the roads are fine. If they are not, I will get lots of complaints from riders. As soon as this ride is over I have to start working on the one in August. I am behind on it due to the ride coming up. Being in charge of two rides is rough.
Well, I hope my sister gets off work soon, cause I am ready for bed.
I had lunch Sunday after Church with the college age kids at the Winter's house. The Winters are a super nice couple at my church. They both have huge hearts. This is the second time in the last couple of months that they have opened their beautiful home for about 25 people, and fixed them lunch. I hope one day I can minister to people like they do.
Other than that, I have just been working on Bicycle Club stuff. There is a ride that the club hosts on April 16'th. There will be about 400 riders there. I've been making the final plans and getting maps and release forms and stuff together to take to kinkos and copy. This is my first year Directing this particular ride. It is a much scaled down version of the ride I direct in August. That one had over 600 riders last year. We work with the Booster club's at both schools that host the rides. Then after expenses are paid, we make a good size donation to the Booster Clubs. We keep just enough money to keep us going. We are not offically a non profit group, but we operate similar to one. I have an officers meeting on Thursday night, where I will discuss the final details of the ride. Then there is a preview ride this saturday. Basically some club members will ride the route and let me know if I need to call the city or county street departments and have them come out and sweep gravel or construction dirt off the rode. Normally I check and make sure no paving or construction is taking place on roads that are in the route. However, this year, I have sorta forgotten to do that, so I pray that the roads are fine. If they are not, I will get lots of complaints from riders. As soon as this ride is over I have to start working on the one in August. I am behind on it due to the ride coming up. Being in charge of two rides is rough.
Well, I hope my sister gets off work soon, cause I am ready for bed.
Friday, April 01, 2005
Think Before You Speak
My sensitive feelings got hurt tonight. My parents has their Bible study group over at our house tonight. I stayed to eat then took my little sister and my nephew over to his house. Somehow some of the men started talking about TennCare and joking about how it was about time they did away with it and stuff. I didn't find this one bit funny. You see, I am one of those people, because of my chronic health problems, that cannot get insurance. So I am on TennCare. I have no idea what I will do when TennCare cuts happen. I have to get shots for my anemia that cost around $800 apiece. When my blood counts are low I get these shots every two weeks and it normally takes about three shots to get my blood back up. Not to mention the CBC blood tests every two weeks. I also take probably a hundred dollars worth of pills everyday for my Ulcerative Colitus. Previously I was on my parents insurance. My father works for Nissan and so for about 18 years I had some of the best health care coverage in Tennessee. To go from that to TennCare is a big shock. But I thank God that I have any insurance at all. I was without insurance for two months between the time my insurance ran out and when my tenncare started. It has been well over a year and I am still paying my medical bills from that time.
I am not proud to be on TennCare. I do not feel like I take advantage of TennCare or get more than I should. I can see some ways that TennCare is not managed well, but it's all I have, and what I depend on day to day.
So before people make fun of something, they need stop and think that you can't tell a person who is on TennCare by looking at them. They may be middle class, but if they can't get any other insurance, they are forced to turn to TennCare. There are people who will probably die from lack of proper medical care when they are no longer covered by TennCare. When other insurance companies won't insure people with chronic illnesses or people with cancer and other deadly illnesses, they are left with no choice but TennCare. Without TennCare, medical bills will go unpaid. Some hospitals won't be able to afford to stay open. Someone will have to pay for all the people who can't. Whether they do this through an increase in the cost of medical treatment for people with insurance or by raising taxes, it will cost everyone in the long run.
There is nothing funny about what is going on with TennCare. Until you have lived in the shoes of someone who depends on it, you have no room to judge, and no right to say anything about people who are on it.
I am not proud to be on TennCare. I do not feel like I take advantage of TennCare or get more than I should. I can see some ways that TennCare is not managed well, but it's all I have, and what I depend on day to day.
So before people make fun of something, they need stop and think that you can't tell a person who is on TennCare by looking at them. They may be middle class, but if they can't get any other insurance, they are forced to turn to TennCare. There are people who will probably die from lack of proper medical care when they are no longer covered by TennCare. When other insurance companies won't insure people with chronic illnesses or people with cancer and other deadly illnesses, they are left with no choice but TennCare. Without TennCare, medical bills will go unpaid. Some hospitals won't be able to afford to stay open. Someone will have to pay for all the people who can't. Whether they do this through an increase in the cost of medical treatment for people with insurance or by raising taxes, it will cost everyone in the long run.
There is nothing funny about what is going on with TennCare. Until you have lived in the shoes of someone who depends on it, you have no room to judge, and no right to say anything about people who are on it.
Wednesday, March 30, 2005
Sunny Days
Took my nephew to visit his great garndparents (my grnadparents) in Nashville today. Then it was back to Murfreesboro, my house for a while, and then off to church. While we were in Nashville my fmaily got back from Chattanooga. When I left my house was nice and quiet. I returned to the usual chaos.
I just spilt coke on my computer keyboard (whoops). I wonder if it was going to mess it up if it would have done it immediatly or might it happen later? Hopefully the fact that it still works, means it will keep on working. It is a bit sticky though.
Tonight at Church my class talked about Forgiveness, which has been the topic lately. We also discussed some things about other denominations. Most of us feel that it doesn't matter how you worship or where, as long as you are Worshipping God. That it is more inportant to be a Christian that to be "Church of Christ" or "Baptist" or "Catholic." To be able to honestly say that you believe in God, and that he is the only God, and that you believe Jesus was his son, sent to save us from our sins. Those are the things that are important. Not whether you worship with instruments, or acapella, or whether you worship at one church or another.
I have an example of this is my family. I have a 3'rd or 4'th (not sure which) cousin who recently got married. Her parents are very conservative Church of Christer's (is that a word?) He is another denomination. Because of this, her parents basically disowned her and she had to be given away at her wedding by her uncle. His parents paid for the wedding. That just made me sick when I found out. How can you give birth to a child, and raise them and love them only to turn your back on them because they chose to marry a Christian man who was not a member of the Church of Christ? She could have chosen a lot worse. They will never know their grandkids and basically now have one less child. How anyone could be so close minded I don't know. God is Love. The Bible tells us we are supposed to love Everyone. The Bible does not give us step by step instructions on how to worship. The Bible does not instruct us which denomination we are supposed to be. This is because denominations were created by man, not by God. The idea that someone would not go to Heaven because they choose to worship God one way over another is wrong. If I turned my back on everyone who made a decison I did not agree with I would be sitting in a box all by myself somewhere. I guess I would have to disown myself also, since I have made some bad decisions myself. The Bible orders us to love our children. I think as far as one's own children are concerned, you love them unconditionally. You don't stop loving them because they sin, or because they get a tattoo, marry the wrong guy or even if they commit a terrible crime. They are still your children.
Anyway, I needed to get on my soapbox tonight. I'm just really bothered by this particular situation.
I just spilt coke on my computer keyboard (whoops). I wonder if it was going to mess it up if it would have done it immediatly or might it happen later? Hopefully the fact that it still works, means it will keep on working. It is a bit sticky though.
Tonight at Church my class talked about Forgiveness, which has been the topic lately. We also discussed some things about other denominations. Most of us feel that it doesn't matter how you worship or where, as long as you are Worshipping God. That it is more inportant to be a Christian that to be "Church of Christ" or "Baptist" or "Catholic." To be able to honestly say that you believe in God, and that he is the only God, and that you believe Jesus was his son, sent to save us from our sins. Those are the things that are important. Not whether you worship with instruments, or acapella, or whether you worship at one church or another.
I have an example of this is my family. I have a 3'rd or 4'th (not sure which) cousin who recently got married. Her parents are very conservative Church of Christer's (is that a word?) He is another denomination. Because of this, her parents basically disowned her and she had to be given away at her wedding by her uncle. His parents paid for the wedding. That just made me sick when I found out. How can you give birth to a child, and raise them and love them only to turn your back on them because they chose to marry a Christian man who was not a member of the Church of Christ? She could have chosen a lot worse. They will never know their grandkids and basically now have one less child. How anyone could be so close minded I don't know. God is Love. The Bible tells us we are supposed to love Everyone. The Bible does not give us step by step instructions on how to worship. The Bible does not instruct us which denomination we are supposed to be. This is because denominations were created by man, not by God. The idea that someone would not go to Heaven because they choose to worship God one way over another is wrong. If I turned my back on everyone who made a decison I did not agree with I would be sitting in a box all by myself somewhere. I guess I would have to disown myself also, since I have made some bad decisions myself. The Bible orders us to love our children. I think as far as one's own children are concerned, you love them unconditionally. You don't stop loving them because they sin, or because they get a tattoo, marry the wrong guy or even if they commit a terrible crime. They are still your children.
Anyway, I needed to get on my soapbox tonight. I'm just really bothered by this particular situation.
Tuesday, March 29, 2005
Quiet
It's been a nice, relaxing couple of days. My family left Sunday afternoon for Chattanooga. It's just me and the cat here at home. I've been doing laundry and cleaning, mostly puttering around the house. I made cookies today and tommorow I am going to pick up my nephew and go to Nashville to my Grandparents for lunch. I made the cookies for my grandfather, and I think I'll drop a few by the Christian Student Center before I head to Nashville.
I applied for a job today. I really need to make some money. Also, I am starting to feel like a housewife. This is bad since I'm not married and this is my parents house.
I think this is going to be my shortest blog yet. There is basically nothing going on with me, Hence there is nothing to post about. So, I'm off to take out my contacts and go to bed.
I applied for a job today. I really need to make some money. Also, I am starting to feel like a housewife. This is bad since I'm not married and this is my parents house.
I think this is going to be my shortest blog yet. There is basically nothing going on with me, Hence there is nothing to post about. So, I'm off to take out my contacts and go to bed.
Saturday, March 26, 2005
Easter
I went to an Easter service at my church tonight. It was very uplifting and moving.
My nephew is spending the night tonight and going to church with me in the morning. I hope I get some sleep!
There is a guy at my church that has me troubled. I've known him for a few years. I met him at the Christian Student Center at MTSU. We've never been friends, and I guess I never really thought much of it until I started going to church with him. He says hi to people, shakes peoples hands, maybe hugs a few, and then he looks past me. I went up to him and said hi back when I first started going to church there and he said "hey" then there was this ackward silence and he turned around and went in the bathroom. I try to say hi when I see him, but he either doesn't hear me or he ignores me. I know there will always be people who don't like me and people who I don't like. However, I at least get to know someone before I decide if I like them or not. He's never even attempted to know me. He may think he knows me because of how I used to act, but thats not who I am anymore. There's been several times when I just want to go up to him and ask him what his problem with me is, but I don't. I guess it just hurts my feelings that I'm not worth even a hello to him. Your supposed to love everybody and I have tried to love him, but it's hard i'm getting quite the opposite vibe from him.
On a brighter note, I got a sandwich today that was supposed to be somewhere around $5.25. The guy only charged me $2.99. He said he was feeling generous and I didn't get everything on the sandwich that came on it. I will have to frequent this place more often and repay him for his genorosity. I guess giving me a discount is a good way to win me over as a customer. And no, for those who think like my sister, I did not give him my number or ask for his number. Nor do I want his number. I'm not sure where a guy would fit into my life right now. Especially if I get into nursing school. There will be no time, which is fine with me. I've done great this long being single.
My nephew is spending the night tonight and going to church with me in the morning. I hope I get some sleep!
There is a guy at my church that has me troubled. I've known him for a few years. I met him at the Christian Student Center at MTSU. We've never been friends, and I guess I never really thought much of it until I started going to church with him. He says hi to people, shakes peoples hands, maybe hugs a few, and then he looks past me. I went up to him and said hi back when I first started going to church there and he said "hey" then there was this ackward silence and he turned around and went in the bathroom. I try to say hi when I see him, but he either doesn't hear me or he ignores me. I know there will always be people who don't like me and people who I don't like. However, I at least get to know someone before I decide if I like them or not. He's never even attempted to know me. He may think he knows me because of how I used to act, but thats not who I am anymore. There's been several times when I just want to go up to him and ask him what his problem with me is, but I don't. I guess it just hurts my feelings that I'm not worth even a hello to him. Your supposed to love everybody and I have tried to love him, but it's hard i'm getting quite the opposite vibe from him.
On a brighter note, I got a sandwich today that was supposed to be somewhere around $5.25. The guy only charged me $2.99. He said he was feeling generous and I didn't get everything on the sandwich that came on it. I will have to frequent this place more often and repay him for his genorosity. I guess giving me a discount is a good way to win me over as a customer. And no, for those who think like my sister, I did not give him my number or ask for his number. Nor do I want his number. I'm not sure where a guy would fit into my life right now. Especially if I get into nursing school. There will be no time, which is fine with me. I've done great this long being single.
Wednesday, March 23, 2005
Life Suppport
I've been sitting here for a while trying to think of what I want to post on. Terry Schiavo keeps coming to mind. I've been trying to decide how I feel about this. On one hand I think that she's in a vegetative state and maybe it is best to let her go. On the other hand, she isn't on life support. She's just on a feeding tube. Her body works enough that she she can breathe on her own. If it was a matter of turning off a resperator, my opinion would be much simpler. I've been there. I didn't make the decision, but I was with the family of a very dear friend when the decision was made to "disconnect" her life support. I held her brother when they came out and told us it had been done. I cried with her husband moments later as I stood by his side at her bed. I cried with her brother and mother-in-law almost 24 hours later when she took her last breath, with her husband still by her side, holding her hand as he had the last 24 hours non stop.
This decison was not an easy one for any of the family involved. In the end, it was her husband who made the decision. It was not made until tests showed no brain function. She died peacefully, feeling no pain.
In the case of Terry Schiavo, I don't know what her brain function is. I hate the idea that she is dying because she is starving and dehydrated. Neither one of those is by any means a pleasent way to go. I feel like your body knows when it is time to go. God takes you when he is ready. If she had been left on the feeding tube would she have lived for 15 more years? While I don't feel that anyone should have to "live" the way she has, I'm not sure if the way she is being forced to go is right either. I think when it is her time to die, she will die. I think this is a very private decision that should be made by families. I don't feel that congress or the president had any right to step in. I wish her husband and her parents could agree on what was best for her. I'm not sure that I really agree with either one of them. I already said what I thought about the way she is going. I think that her parents have not faced that she is not going to get better. They, like all parents would, still hold on to hope that their daughter will recover.
Tonight I just pray that if it is her time to go, that she do so quickly without pain.
This decison was not an easy one for any of the family involved. In the end, it was her husband who made the decision. It was not made until tests showed no brain function. She died peacefully, feeling no pain.
In the case of Terry Schiavo, I don't know what her brain function is. I hate the idea that she is dying because she is starving and dehydrated. Neither one of those is by any means a pleasent way to go. I feel like your body knows when it is time to go. God takes you when he is ready. If she had been left on the feeding tube would she have lived for 15 more years? While I don't feel that anyone should have to "live" the way she has, I'm not sure if the way she is being forced to go is right either. I think when it is her time to die, she will die. I think this is a very private decision that should be made by families. I don't feel that congress or the president had any right to step in. I wish her husband and her parents could agree on what was best for her. I'm not sure that I really agree with either one of them. I already said what I thought about the way she is going. I think that her parents have not faced that she is not going to get better. They, like all parents would, still hold on to hope that their daughter will recover.
Tonight I just pray that if it is her time to go, that she do so quickly without pain.
Tuesday, March 22, 2005
The Never Ending Day
Today has been such a long day. I had planned on going and staying with my Grandmother tonight. However, those plans changed this morning when it was discovered that my mom's cold is not a cold, it's the flu. So, I scrapped my plans. Instead I went to Hickory Hollow Mall. Found a skirt and jacket and some shoes for church. I lived in Nashville til I was 10, and since my Grandparents still live there, I am pretty familiar with the streets. So, maybe it was the rain, but I had a hard time getting anywhere I was trying to go today. I left Hickory Hollow mall, turned on the road that I knew would take me to Murfreesboro Road so I could run by my grandparents, drove a little ways on that road, hmmm, this doesn't look familiar, so I turned on another road, gave a small cry of suprise when I saw the home depo sign, indicating I had just made a complete circle through Antioch and ended up back at the mall. So once again, I turn on another road, same thing happens. So much for my short cut, I get on Bell Road and stay on Bell road all the way to Murfreesboro Road. Drive down Murfreesboro road, see the road I had turned on the first time when leaving the mall (If I had just kept going another minute on it, I could have avoided circling around, twice) I turned off Murfreesboro Road onto Donelson Pike, past the airport, down to Lebanon Road. I'm finally all most there. I'm in the right lane, about to go over Briley Parkway, when oops! Thanks to all the road construction, this lane only goes onto Briley Parkway, not straight like I need to. It's raining and there is traffic, so I'm forced onto Briley. Drove through the road construction, exited Briley at Two Rivers Park, luckily I lived by the park, so I know where I am. Drove down Two rivers Parkway, to McGavock Pike, back to Lebanon road. This time I stay in the left lane and finally get to my grandparents house.
Normally I don't have adventures like that, although I am good at making maybe one wrong turn, but I usually get back the right way with no problem.
I left my Grandmothers and thought it looked like the rain was letting up. About the time I got on I-24 I glanced ahead of me and thought it looked awfully foggy up ahead. It wasn't fog. It was rain. The kind of rain where you can only see the car's tailights in front of you and basically nothing else. That lasted from Donelson until Lavergne. I never got above 40 and people weren't passing me. As I got closer to home the rain let up. Traffic was at a standstill after I got in Murfreesboro because of a wreck. I finally got through that, stopped by my house for a few minutes, then headed across town to my sisters to watch my nephew while she worked. I just got home from keeping him. There are storms heading towards us, so I have a feeling it's going to be a long night also. I can't sleep when it's storming.
I forgot to mention, I got in the 91'st percentile on my test. Hopefully I will be one of about 50 called for an interview and then one of 24 accepted into the program.
Normally I don't have adventures like that, although I am good at making maybe one wrong turn, but I usually get back the right way with no problem.
I left my Grandmothers and thought it looked like the rain was letting up. About the time I got on I-24 I glanced ahead of me and thought it looked awfully foggy up ahead. It wasn't fog. It was rain. The kind of rain where you can only see the car's tailights in front of you and basically nothing else. That lasted from Donelson until Lavergne. I never got above 40 and people weren't passing me. As I got closer to home the rain let up. Traffic was at a standstill after I got in Murfreesboro because of a wreck. I finally got through that, stopped by my house for a few minutes, then headed across town to my sisters to watch my nephew while she worked. I just got home from keeping him. There are storms heading towards us, so I have a feeling it's going to be a long night also. I can't sleep when it's storming.
I forgot to mention, I got in the 91'st percentile on my test. Hopefully I will be one of about 50 called for an interview and then one of 24 accepted into the program.
Sunday, March 20, 2005
Test Day #2
I take my nursing test again in the morning. Father, be with me in the morning. I know I'm prepared. Help me to be calm and to answer each question carefully.
My Grandfather has moved to the rehab hospital. They were wise to his attempts to get up by himself. He was told if caught, some kind of bell would be put on him or the bed that would allert the nurses if he got up. Apparently, he is now doing so well, that they are now allowing him to get up on his own. He is progressing faster than ever expected. I may go down and spend the night with my grandmother tuesday night. They live really close to Opry Mills in nashville. I realized that Easter is a week from today and that I don't have anything to wear to church. I have nothing that looks spring weather like. I don't get new clothes very often. Even when I have money (hardly ever) I normally don't spend it on myself. I also don't normally enjoy shopping, but for some reason I have the urge to go. Maybe it has something to do with spring? I also have an urge to go clean all the weeds out of my flower bed and get it ready for new flowers. Now, if only I'de get an urge to clean house.
My Grandfather has moved to the rehab hospital. They were wise to his attempts to get up by himself. He was told if caught, some kind of bell would be put on him or the bed that would allert the nurses if he got up. Apparently, he is now doing so well, that they are now allowing him to get up on his own. He is progressing faster than ever expected. I may go down and spend the night with my grandmother tuesday night. They live really close to Opry Mills in nashville. I realized that Easter is a week from today and that I don't have anything to wear to church. I have nothing that looks spring weather like. I don't get new clothes very often. Even when I have money (hardly ever) I normally don't spend it on myself. I also don't normally enjoy shopping, but for some reason I have the urge to go. Maybe it has something to do with spring? I also have an urge to go clean all the weeds out of my flower bed and get it ready for new flowers. Now, if only I'de get an urge to clean house.
Friday, March 18, 2005
Amazing
I decided I was well enough to go see my Grandfather today. He moves to the Rehab Hospital tommorow and I wanted to see him before that. He is doing better than expected. He has been up walking with the aide of a walker and a physical therapist. While I was there today, the nurse removed the drainage tube from his knee and I got to see his insision. It looked really good. He is planning on having his other knee done this fall. His is back to his stuborn self. I argued in circles on the phone with him last night about why my Grandma has to drive him to rehab and why he can't drive himself. He made no mention of it today, so hopefully he has realized he is not allowed to drive. He also confessed to getting himself out of bed during the night and walking, alone,with his walker, down to the nurses station in search of another sleeping pill. He's not supposed to get up without someone helping him. Since he has done it once, he'll probably do it again and it may be one of those things we just have to let him do and pray he doesn't get hurt. Now, if only we can figure out how to keep him off the riding mower in a few weeks when he is back home?
I had a bicycle club officers meeting last night. I don't ride, but my dad is the president. He's actually off on some ride in Floriday as I type this. He willl ride all day tommorow and finish up about 3 a.m. Sunday morning. crazy, yes, I know. He rode across the United States three years ago and has riden from Canada to Mexico and from California to the Grand Canyon and back, just to name a few. The year started with a new title for me. I am now "Event Director". This translates into "person who does everything no one else wants to do." I am going on my third year as the Director of The Heart Of Tennesee Century (H.O.T. 100) bike ride. Last we had grew to over 600 participants. It's a lot of work and a lot of permits and sponsor's rear ends to kiss etc...This year I am also taking on the Two County Metric. It is coming up April 16'th. It attracts a little less than half as many riders as the HOT and is quite a bit easier to stage. Even though the HOT is not until August 27'th, There are already things that need done to prepare for it. Basically I am trying to plan and finalize stuff for the Two county and work on the HOT at the same time. You can read more about the Club and these rides at www.mborobike.com
If I knew how to link to it, I would.
I love working with the Club. I saw them pull together as a family last year with the sudden death of a long time member, who was also an officer. I feel blessed to have my family, my church family and my bike club family. If only bike club wasn't a volunteer thing. It would be nice to get paid to do what I am good at.
One of the Club officers teaches Algebra at MTSU. She met me before the meeting at the Lawyers office we always have our meetings at, and helped me with the Algebra for my test Monday. She was a lot of help and told me some steps to solving algebra problems that I had forgotten.
Well, my nephew is about to leave. I need to go give him kisses :)
I had a bicycle club officers meeting last night. I don't ride, but my dad is the president. He's actually off on some ride in Floriday as I type this. He willl ride all day tommorow and finish up about 3 a.m. Sunday morning. crazy, yes, I know. He rode across the United States three years ago and has riden from Canada to Mexico and from California to the Grand Canyon and back, just to name a few. The year started with a new title for me. I am now "Event Director". This translates into "person who does everything no one else wants to do." I am going on my third year as the Director of The Heart Of Tennesee Century (H.O.T. 100) bike ride. Last we had grew to over 600 participants. It's a lot of work and a lot of permits and sponsor's rear ends to kiss etc...This year I am also taking on the Two County Metric. It is coming up April 16'th. It attracts a little less than half as many riders as the HOT and is quite a bit easier to stage. Even though the HOT is not until August 27'th, There are already things that need done to prepare for it. Basically I am trying to plan and finalize stuff for the Two county and work on the HOT at the same time. You can read more about the Club and these rides at www.mborobike.com
If I knew how to link to it, I would.
I love working with the Club. I saw them pull together as a family last year with the sudden death of a long time member, who was also an officer. I feel blessed to have my family, my church family and my bike club family. If only bike club wasn't a volunteer thing. It would be nice to get paid to do what I am good at.
One of the Club officers teaches Algebra at MTSU. She met me before the meeting at the Lawyers office we always have our meetings at, and helped me with the Algebra for my test Monday. She was a lot of help and told me some steps to solving algebra problems that I had forgotten.
Well, my nephew is about to leave. I need to go give him kisses :)
Thursday, March 17, 2005
test
| I have no idea what this test means. I made D's in science. However I saw it on Bill's Blog (guy from church) and decided to try it. Zn... Zinc You scored 20 Mass, 32 Electronegativity, 54 Metal, and 0 Radioactivity! |
You have a strong sense of the communal good and you aren't too demanding. You know better than to mess with the powers that be. You value being surronded by the right people, but don't care too much about what people beyond your group think of you. You are also the last element to be mentioned in every vitamin commercial, and have gained recognition throughout the 50+ community as the very symbol of "completeness." Hmm, you might be good at taking care of sick people, but that might be hogwash too. |
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My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
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| Link: The Which Chemical Element Am I Test written by effataigus on Ok Cupid |
Wednesday, March 16, 2005
Sick
My sinus stuff has gotten worse the last couple of days. I woke up this morning with no voice. I went to the doctor, even though I didn't think they would give me anything. They did give me a few days worth of steriods. I'm very familiar with steriods. I have had to take them quite a bit in the past with my colon. I'm not on a strong dose so hopefully no side effects like they have caused in the past.
My Grandfather's Surgery was today. Since I wasn't sure what I was sick with, I didn't go to the hospital. There is nothing worse than being in the hospital and having someone come see you who is sick. Epecially if you catch it on top of whatever is else going on. So, I did the considerate thing and stayed home. It was hard sitting here all morning waiting to hear. His surgery took quite a bit longer than they thought it would, but it wasn't anything major.
He starts physical therapy on his knee soon. They should transfer him from the hospital to rehab over the weekend. He will be in rehab between 8 and 14 days. I am so glad that his surgery went ok. I know he wasn't feeling real well tonight, but hopefully the pain will get better soon. I remember the pain and the nausea from my arm and later from physical therapy. It definatly wasn't pleasant, but each day was a little easier than the day before. You take baby steps, you get frustrated cause you feel like you're not making a lot of progress, then one day you realize you're a lot better.
I missed Church tonight. I'm feeling pretty rough. It's also frustrating to not be able to talk, but I think my family is enjoying it :)
My Grandfather's Surgery was today. Since I wasn't sure what I was sick with, I didn't go to the hospital. There is nothing worse than being in the hospital and having someone come see you who is sick. Epecially if you catch it on top of whatever is else going on. So, I did the considerate thing and stayed home. It was hard sitting here all morning waiting to hear. His surgery took quite a bit longer than they thought it would, but it wasn't anything major.
He starts physical therapy on his knee soon. They should transfer him from the hospital to rehab over the weekend. He will be in rehab between 8 and 14 days. I am so glad that his surgery went ok. I know he wasn't feeling real well tonight, but hopefully the pain will get better soon. I remember the pain and the nausea from my arm and later from physical therapy. It definatly wasn't pleasant, but each day was a little easier than the day before. You take baby steps, you get frustrated cause you feel like you're not making a lot of progress, then one day you realize you're a lot better.
I missed Church tonight. I'm feeling pretty rough. It's also frustrating to not be able to talk, but I think my family is enjoying it :)
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
Bad night
It's 3 a.m. in the morning and I'm awake. Just thought I'de blog a minute. This hasn't happened to me in a while, but sometimes I dream about things that have happened to me and some things that were done to me in the past. I wake up panicked and sobbing and sleep doesn't come real well afterwards.
I think I've left things behind and have dealt with them and then I have these dreams and think maybe I haven't. I wake up alone in the darkness of my room and everyone else in the house is sleeping. It's hard when you need to share something and there is no one to share it with. I try talking to God, but then I end up thinking more and dwelling on what is bothering me and getting myself more upset.
Part of my problem is this wall I've built around myself. It's really hard for me to let anyone in. I feel like I have so many layers. I'll share some things with people on occasion, but there's always other things that so far, very few have managed to get out of me. It's not that I want to hold on to these things, it's just that I don't want people to judge me (it's nothing illegal) and I feel like I have so much that I am dumping on people when I do share.
Things tend to come to surface in the form of nightmares to me. I severely broke my arm 2 1/2 years ago, and didn't realize how traumatic it was for me until two days after I was in the hospital and I started dreaming the accident over and over, I would wake up right at the second that I heard my bones snap (more like a pop). My nurses said it was some post traumatic stress stuff. Considering I hadn't been in a war or anything I didn't know it was bad enough to cause that. Apparently the audible snapping of bones, pain and internal bleeding, followed by my doctor explaining the risk of loosing my arm, if the surgery wasn't performed soon, and hearing them talk about how close (milimeters) to the main artery my bone had passed as it punctured my skin from the inside, was enough to cause me some issues.
I finally stopped dreaming about my arm and "grieving" some of the loss of motion I now have in it a year or so ago. It was a tough, tough process for me to work through. I know I have some other things In my life I need to work through also. I think everyone does. I just wish my sleep wasn't interupted to remind me of mine.
I think I've left things behind and have dealt with them and then I have these dreams and think maybe I haven't. I wake up alone in the darkness of my room and everyone else in the house is sleeping. It's hard when you need to share something and there is no one to share it with. I try talking to God, but then I end up thinking more and dwelling on what is bothering me and getting myself more upset.
Part of my problem is this wall I've built around myself. It's really hard for me to let anyone in. I feel like I have so many layers. I'll share some things with people on occasion, but there's always other things that so far, very few have managed to get out of me. It's not that I want to hold on to these things, it's just that I don't want people to judge me (it's nothing illegal) and I feel like I have so much that I am dumping on people when I do share.
Things tend to come to surface in the form of nightmares to me. I severely broke my arm 2 1/2 years ago, and didn't realize how traumatic it was for me until two days after I was in the hospital and I started dreaming the accident over and over, I would wake up right at the second that I heard my bones snap (more like a pop). My nurses said it was some post traumatic stress stuff. Considering I hadn't been in a war or anything I didn't know it was bad enough to cause that. Apparently the audible snapping of bones, pain and internal bleeding, followed by my doctor explaining the risk of loosing my arm, if the surgery wasn't performed soon, and hearing them talk about how close (milimeters) to the main artery my bone had passed as it punctured my skin from the inside, was enough to cause me some issues.
I finally stopped dreaming about my arm and "grieving" some of the loss of motion I now have in it a year or so ago. It was a tough, tough process for me to work through. I know I have some other things In my life I need to work through also. I think everyone does. I just wish my sleep wasn't interupted to remind me of mine.
Friday, March 11, 2005
Test Day
Today was my test. I might as well explain what it was now, most who know me already know anyway.
I am trying to get into the LPN (nursing) program at the technical school here. I have a degree in psychology, but I really feel like nursing and helping ill people is where my heart is at.
I made in the 79'th percentile on the test. That is good, but they take the people who score is the 90's first. Since only 24 people are accepted, I'm going to take it one more time on the 21'st and try to bring me score up. I need to work on Fractions and Algebra (yuck). It's all reading and math stuff. I tested above high school level on reading but at high school level in math. After all the remedial math and college statistics I had to take in college, you'de think I'de have scored at college level. However, when I was in high school, I was probably on an elementary level in math. I strongly dislike math.
so it's time to break out the old Algebra book and brush up on solving algebraic equations. That was the only algebra thing on the test, thank goodness. Today I was thinking it's a good thing they didn't require you to know metric conversions or anything like that. I have a hard enough time cooking when I have to half a recipe or something.
I don't feel good tonight. My sinuses hurt and my nose feels a little stuffy. I really, really don't want to be sick right now.
My sister just picked up my nephew. So I am off to bed. Maybe I can sleep off whatever is going on with my sinuses.
I am trying to get into the LPN (nursing) program at the technical school here. I have a degree in psychology, but I really feel like nursing and helping ill people is where my heart is at.
I made in the 79'th percentile on the test. That is good, but they take the people who score is the 90's first. Since only 24 people are accepted, I'm going to take it one more time on the 21'st and try to bring me score up. I need to work on Fractions and Algebra (yuck). It's all reading and math stuff. I tested above high school level on reading but at high school level in math. After all the remedial math and college statistics I had to take in college, you'de think I'de have scored at college level. However, when I was in high school, I was probably on an elementary level in math. I strongly dislike math.
so it's time to break out the old Algebra book and brush up on solving algebraic equations. That was the only algebra thing on the test, thank goodness. Today I was thinking it's a good thing they didn't require you to know metric conversions or anything like that. I have a hard enough time cooking when I have to half a recipe or something.
I don't feel good tonight. My sinuses hurt and my nose feels a little stuffy. I really, really don't want to be sick right now.
My sister just picked up my nephew. So I am off to bed. Maybe I can sleep off whatever is going on with my sinuses.
Tuesday, March 08, 2005
Oops
I spoke too soon last night about my cat being better. Within an hour of posting she started vomiting again. So this morning I spent three hours at the vet with her. It took longer than when I go to the doctor.
Picture my stressed out sick cat in a litle carrier, sitting in the vet's waiting room. There is only one other dog in there. Then along comes a big huge dog, who's owner says is still a "puppy." Big huge dog makes me nervous cause I fear my cat going ballistic in her carrier (she's a little high strung). Thankfully big dog sits across the room from us. Then along comes a man and a woman with eight black lab six week old puppies. Yes, eight yippy, crying dogs. They sit a few seats down, I have since moved abby's cage to the other side of where I am sitting. Receptionist comes out to pet the puppies. I briefly fear she will attempt to pet Abby and loose a finger. As I'm thinking this, in walks two pit bulls, followed by some other big dog and a smaller dog. so it's my cat and close to 15 dogs. She did the only thing she could do, layed in her carrier and played dead. Yes, I know she was playing cause I poked her once to make sure. Yep, she moved.
Thank goodness they called us back to the room. More waiting and every once in a while you could here the sounds of heavy panting as dogs walked past the room (where were the other cats?) Vet comes in, let's Abby out of her carrier. Abby was fine until she touched her bladder. Then the technician found out why it says that Abby may bite in here chart. She didn't bite her but she came close. This was followed by some growling, hissing and a little poofing of the fur.
They took her back, got some Urine (through a small needle inserted through her abdomin into here bladder), took some blood, did some x-rays. I thought we were done and the doctor would be in soon with the diagnosis. Wrong, they had to reshoot an x-ray. More waiting. Finally the doctor came in, not sure what is wrong with Abby. There is no blockage. There is a slight bladder infection and some billirubins (spelling ?) in her urine. Billirubins are secreted by your liver and normally don't belong in your Urine. The doctor was conserned about her liver, since she is slightly over weight and won't eat. However, I decided to hold off on sending the blood work off due to the expense of it. I have since recalled that when you have been throwing up for a while, your liver enzimes and stuff can get thrown off. Mostly from dehidration. Therefore, I Dr. Sarah (not really) have concluded that her liver is probably ok. It's just from being sick.
So technically, we don't know what is wrong with the cat. So we are just treating her symtoms. She has an antibiotic for her bladder, an antibiotic for her GI tract, and some nausea medicine. Thats three medicines I have to force my cat to take twice a day each. It's been less than a day and she already runs when she see's me coming. Especially if she notices the medicine syringe thingie in my hand. So I have to chase her all over the house, drag her out from under tables, then hold her down and try to get all the liquid medicine down her throat. I end up with it on me, and usually dripping from her mouth.
How much did all this cost you might ask? $145.00! If I had sent the blood off it would have been another $60 something.
On the way home from the vet I saw a car with lettering on the back I didn't understand. I got the top part, it said "Think God" it was the bottom lettering I didn't get, "It's the speed limit, problem?!" I thought it meant something along the lines of "The speed I'm going is the speed limit so back off." Then, they sped past me doing at least 10-15 over. So that left me wondering if it meant something else.
Well, my nephew is here...
Picture my stressed out sick cat in a litle carrier, sitting in the vet's waiting room. There is only one other dog in there. Then along comes a big huge dog, who's owner says is still a "puppy." Big huge dog makes me nervous cause I fear my cat going ballistic in her carrier (she's a little high strung). Thankfully big dog sits across the room from us. Then along comes a man and a woman with eight black lab six week old puppies. Yes, eight yippy, crying dogs. They sit a few seats down, I have since moved abby's cage to the other side of where I am sitting. Receptionist comes out to pet the puppies. I briefly fear she will attempt to pet Abby and loose a finger. As I'm thinking this, in walks two pit bulls, followed by some other big dog and a smaller dog. so it's my cat and close to 15 dogs. She did the only thing she could do, layed in her carrier and played dead. Yes, I know she was playing cause I poked her once to make sure. Yep, she moved.
Thank goodness they called us back to the room. More waiting and every once in a while you could here the sounds of heavy panting as dogs walked past the room (where were the other cats?) Vet comes in, let's Abby out of her carrier. Abby was fine until she touched her bladder. Then the technician found out why it says that Abby may bite in here chart. She didn't bite her but she came close. This was followed by some growling, hissing and a little poofing of the fur.
They took her back, got some Urine (through a small needle inserted through her abdomin into here bladder), took some blood, did some x-rays. I thought we were done and the doctor would be in soon with the diagnosis. Wrong, they had to reshoot an x-ray. More waiting. Finally the doctor came in, not sure what is wrong with Abby. There is no blockage. There is a slight bladder infection and some billirubins (spelling ?) in her urine. Billirubins are secreted by your liver and normally don't belong in your Urine. The doctor was conserned about her liver, since she is slightly over weight and won't eat. However, I decided to hold off on sending the blood work off due to the expense of it. I have since recalled that when you have been throwing up for a while, your liver enzimes and stuff can get thrown off. Mostly from dehidration. Therefore, I Dr. Sarah (not really) have concluded that her liver is probably ok. It's just from being sick.
So technically, we don't know what is wrong with the cat. So we are just treating her symtoms. She has an antibiotic for her bladder, an antibiotic for her GI tract, and some nausea medicine. Thats three medicines I have to force my cat to take twice a day each. It's been less than a day and she already runs when she see's me coming. Especially if she notices the medicine syringe thingie in my hand. So I have to chase her all over the house, drag her out from under tables, then hold her down and try to get all the liquid medicine down her throat. I end up with it on me, and usually dripping from her mouth.
How much did all this cost you might ask? $145.00! If I had sent the blood off it would have been another $60 something.
On the way home from the vet I saw a car with lettering on the back I didn't understand. I got the top part, it said "Think God" it was the bottom lettering I didn't get, "It's the speed limit, problem?!" I thought it meant something along the lines of "The speed I'm going is the speed limit so back off." Then, they sped past me doing at least 10-15 over. So that left me wondering if it meant something else.
Well, my nephew is here...
Monday, March 07, 2005
Wish it was Friday
I don't wish it was friday because of the weekend, I wish it was friday because that is the day of my test and I'm ready to take it and get it over with.
I went to the cabin for a few hours today. It has been closed up all winter so it was pretty dusty and dirty. Also, there has been some kind of lady bug infestation. There were dead lady bugs everywhere. I swept a bunch out, but could have spent the whole day just cleaning them out of there. Another reason I didn't stay long was that the microwave that used to be there no longer was, so I had no way to make the food I took. If I ever figure out how to post pictures, I'll post some of the cabin. So I fed the cat, walked around, swept out lady bugs, studied some, and then headed back home before the rain started.
My sister worked tonight. She doesn't normally, but that meant an extra night with my nephew, so it was ok. I'm keeping him wednesday while she has a doctors appt. I'm not supposed to have him that night, but I'm gonna keep him and take him home after we go to Church.
Apparently praying for a cat works. Praise God! She made a sudden recovery. Last night she drank some water for the first time in two days, and then this morning she ate and it stayed down! She still seems weak, but that is to be expected after two days of throwing up. We talked to the vet this morning and she said not to bring her in unless she started getting sick again. So not only is she better, but she didn't cost me any money. We don't know what was wrong with her. Either something upset her stomach or she picked up a stomach virus. She doesn't leave the house and isn't around other animals, so I don't know how she'de catch something. Oh well, just one of lifes mystery's.
I went to the cabin for a few hours today. It has been closed up all winter so it was pretty dusty and dirty. Also, there has been some kind of lady bug infestation. There were dead lady bugs everywhere. I swept a bunch out, but could have spent the whole day just cleaning them out of there. Another reason I didn't stay long was that the microwave that used to be there no longer was, so I had no way to make the food I took. If I ever figure out how to post pictures, I'll post some of the cabin. So I fed the cat, walked around, swept out lady bugs, studied some, and then headed back home before the rain started.
My sister worked tonight. She doesn't normally, but that meant an extra night with my nephew, so it was ok. I'm keeping him wednesday while she has a doctors appt. I'm not supposed to have him that night, but I'm gonna keep him and take him home after we go to Church.
Apparently praying for a cat works. Praise God! She made a sudden recovery. Last night she drank some water for the first time in two days, and then this morning she ate and it stayed down! She still seems weak, but that is to be expected after two days of throwing up. We talked to the vet this morning and she said not to bring her in unless she started getting sick again. So not only is she better, but she didn't cost me any money. We don't know what was wrong with her. Either something upset her stomach or she picked up a stomach virus. She doesn't leave the house and isn't around other animals, so I don't know how she'de catch something. Oh well, just one of lifes mystery's.
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