For as long as I can remember all I ever wanted to do when I grew up was be a wife and a mother. Life doesn't always pan out the way you thought it would when you were a kid. I have no potential future husband in my life. I'm not even sure that marriage is for me. The last two years I have embraced being single and totally focusing on other things. The hardest thing for me is motherhood. I have this very strong need to be a mother. Maybe it's my biological clock, I don't know. I have this huge amount of love that I feel for children I don't even have. If that makes sense. When I was 22 or 23 I found out that due to some health problems I had and continue to have, I might never be able to have children. This was a huge, huge blow to me. When I was 7 years old I used to change my cousins diapers and feed him his bottles. I've been hooked ever since.
Since I started keeping the 16 month old that I currently babysit three days a week, I have realized something. I can love a child that isn't mine just as strongly as I could love my own. I hope to one day have the opportunity to adopt. That's the subject of many prayers for me. To be a Mother one day, maybe even to a special needs child.
When I first started keeping Austin it was supposed to be for three or four months. It has been a year now. I know it's time to move on so to speak. I need to earn more money and I'm really feeling pushed to do something else. I think I know what the something else is, but I'm not ready to share it just yet. Anyway, as I mentioned in my last post, I am not a fan of change.
I'm going to have a very hard time letting go of Austin when that time comes. I need prayers for that.
God,
You know what areas in my life I am struggling with. Please guide me in my decisions about my future. Help me make the right choices. Thank you for all you have blessed me with in my life. Also, thank you for the renewed relationship I have had with my sister since my nephew was born. Help it to continue to grow and blossom so that one day I will be able to bring up the subject of you.
In your son's most holy name,
Amen
You know what areas in my life I am struggling with. Please guide me in my decisions about my future. Help me make the right choices. Thank you for all you have blessed me with in my life. Also, thank you for the renewed relationship I have had with my sister since my nephew was born. Help it to continue to grow and blossom so that one day I will be able to bring up the subject of you.
In your son's most holy name,
Amen
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