Sunday

It is not often that a sermon holds my attention. I don't have ADHD, I just tend to daydream a lot. Todays sermon hit home with me. It was about Forgiveness. I hold on to so many things from the past. Even as far back as early elementary school and especially high school. It's so hard for me to forgive and forget. I remember every hurt, every unkind word, even when people probably never realized they had hurt my feelings. I am very sensitive, in case you haven't figured that out yet. I am so sensitive that I know when someone has hurt someone elses feelings if I am around. I don't know if it's facial expression or posture or maybe a combination of noverbal things that make me notice this. I guess I'm very in tune with other people's feelings. If I'm around someone who is depressed, I get depressed, grumpy, I get grumpy, etc...I wonder if thats normal?

Anyway, I got off subject, back to the sermon. In junior high and high school I went to a local private school. I had a horrible, horrible, six years there. The problem was, being in a small school, I was with the same people all day long. You see, I was an anxious kid. I still am. I had pretty bad anxiety growing up. It peaked at it's worst in high school. I missed a lot of school. I got teased and made fun of for this. I didn't want to go to school cause I would get teased, but if I didn't go, I would get teased when I went back. It was a neverending thing. I almost dropped out of school several times. I'm not a quitter, so I pushed myself and graduated.

Anyway, I graduated from high school ten years ago this May. I still have no desire to see most of the people I went to school with, and I still am not sure if I have totally forgiven them. Then there was the time in 6'th grade when this girl in my class had all the girls over but me. That one hurt.

So, why can't I just put all this crap behind me and move on? What good does it do me to think back to those times? I am a total different person than I was then, but I still hold on to so much pain and hurt.

This is something I need to work on. I need to forgive all those people and realize that yes, they hurt me, but I'm here today and I'm fine and all that is over.

I really needed to hear the sermon today. I woke up hurting a little (colitus, fun...fun...) and was debating staying home. I made myself shower and eat, took my med's and went to Church. I didn't feel wonderful, but I made it through. I went out to eat with some MTSU/Christian Center almuni from church. Had some good conversation, I hadn't seen one of them in a while. I didn't eat much. (I'm sure people think I don't ever eat.) I do eat, I just know better than to push it when my colon is acting up. I would rather eat at home where I have the privacy of my own potty. I don't go out to eat much because of this. The worst is when a date wants to take me to eat. Nerves and colons don't go well together. I'm always nervous on a date, add eating out and my colon to the picture and you get me not eating much. I also can't eat some things (salad, corn, most spicy foods, oranges...) Salads come with a lot of meals. It's hards to explain to someone why you can't eat the salad. No one wants to discuss that kind of thing while they are eating. It doesn't bother me to talk about it, but I have to remind myself that it bothers others.

I've been feeling a little lonely lately. I enjoy being single, but sometimes I miss the good stuff about dating. The closeness, cuddling, etc...Right now I'de give anything to have someone rub my back.

well, this has been a really long and rambling post. I'm going to take my Sunday afternoon nap.