I did a bunch of stuff today. I saw Stephanie, a woman who's little boy I keep sometimes. Stephanie and Andy (her husband) are my age, they met at Harding University and now they live here. Stephanie just had a baby girl 7 weeks ago.
Things are going good for me right now, so why do I feel lonely and down in the dumps? I was around people at Church tonight and I talked to people, but I still felt really alone for some reason.
I've talked about this before, but I see people my age that have good marriages and babies, and I can't help feeling a little jealous. That's what I want more than anything. I just have this really strong longing to be with someone and to get married. Maybe it's my biological clock ticking or something, but being single is really starting to get old.
I had to go to a friends from the Bicycle Club's office today to run 2,750 copies of the Flyer. It will be mailed out next week. Buying the paper myself, and using Brenda's work copier (a big one just like at Kinko's) saved over $400.00. Normally at Kinko's that many copies runs me about $500.00. So, I am proud of myself.
While I was at her office I saw this guy, then I did a double take and looked at him again. He was the same height (6'6"), same build (very skinny) and same hair color (brown), and even close to the same facial features, as my ex Fiance. It was really freaky. Except this guy was cuter than Bryan and when he smiled at me, he looked nothing like him. Bryan never really smiled.
Bryan was a big mistake. I rushed into the relationship, got engaged way to fast, and then saw his uncaring, hurtful side. I thank God that I didn't marry him. Bryan broke up with me when my broken arm was at it's worst, right before my second surgery on it. I wasn't fun enough, and didn't want to do enough (I had a washer end of a screw poking out my arm from the inside...much, much pain). The funny thing was that when we broke up, I felt more relieved than anything. I had known that I couldn't marry him. I saw that the day after I broke my arm, but I blamed it on all the painkillers I was on. I had surgery about a week or two after we broke up, they removed the screw from my arm at that time, and I got off painmed's right away. So basically, I was back to my normal self, about 2 weeks after we broke up.
It really hurts to have someone look you in the eye and say that they don't love you anymore. Even though I knew I didn't love him, I'm not sure that I ever loved him. I thought I was through with guys and I would just be single forever. About a year after things ended with Bryan, I started feeling ready for a relationship. now, three years later, here I am still waiting on that relationship.
One reason I'm still waiting is that I am super picky now. I know exactly what I don't want in a guy, and I know that he must be a Christian. I know a lot of people don't feel this is important, but I want someone who is a member of the Church of Christ and has similar beliefs to mine about worship. I know I could date right now, if I would settle for less than what I want, but I want someone who I can see Christ in, and I'm not going to settle for less.
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
Monday, June 27, 2005
No, But I've Got A Nephew
I went forward in Church yesterday to have announced that I got my job. I think people need to remember to praise God when good things happen, and not just pray when things are bad. Chuck, who made the anouncement was reminding people how badly I had needed a job with benefits. He said, "...and she's got a child." I said, "No, I've got a nephew." Everyone laughed and it was pretty funny. I thought everyone knew that he was Nephew, I guess he didn't.
Had the college group over for lunch yesterday, only six of them came. It ended up being really good though, and we all got to sit at the same table since there wasn't many of us. Also, some of the guys went back for 3'rds, and if we had had a lot of people, I think we might not have had enough food. We watched the video from our retreat a few months ago. I hope we have another retreat this fall.
I realized today that I have alot to do before I start my job. I want to get as much done for H.O.T. 100 (bike ride in August) as I can before I start my job. I also need to go buy some Scrubs. I found out that there is a Uniform outlet not far from here, that has a big selection of Scrub's cheaper than most places. I'm gonna go there next week. I copied my diploma's (High school and college) and got a copy of my college transcript today. I have to have those for work. I'm going to take those and my Infant and Child CPR certification card out to work tommorow and pick up some reference letters that I have to get people to fill out.
This is weird, but I have not had a moskito (sp?) bite in about five years. I think because I am Anemic so much and they must not like my blood like that. Well, I have a moskito bite. It's small, not all swollen up like they used to get (I'm guessing this is because of my immunosuppresent, my body must not be reacting to the bite or something) But it does itch. I guess they like me again. I had gotten used to not having to worry about them biting me. Before, they would land on me and then fly right off without biting. Maybe they should try and discover what the moskitos were sensing and bottle it as repelant?
Had the college group over for lunch yesterday, only six of them came. It ended up being really good though, and we all got to sit at the same table since there wasn't many of us. Also, some of the guys went back for 3'rds, and if we had had a lot of people, I think we might not have had enough food. We watched the video from our retreat a few months ago. I hope we have another retreat this fall.
I realized today that I have alot to do before I start my job. I want to get as much done for H.O.T. 100 (bike ride in August) as I can before I start my job. I also need to go buy some Scrubs. I found out that there is a Uniform outlet not far from here, that has a big selection of Scrub's cheaper than most places. I'm gonna go there next week. I copied my diploma's (High school and college) and got a copy of my college transcript today. I have to have those for work. I'm going to take those and my Infant and Child CPR certification card out to work tommorow and pick up some reference letters that I have to get people to fill out.
This is weird, but I have not had a moskito (sp?) bite in about five years. I think because I am Anemic so much and they must not like my blood like that. Well, I have a moskito bite. It's small, not all swollen up like they used to get (I'm guessing this is because of my immunosuppresent, my body must not be reacting to the bite or something) But it does itch. I guess they like me again. I had gotten used to not having to worry about them biting me. Before, they would land on me and then fly right off without biting. Maybe they should try and discover what the moskitos were sensing and bottle it as repelant?
Friday, June 24, 2005
Praise God!
I got my job!
They called me this afternoon. I will be working in their new daycare with preschool kids. Community Care is in the process of implimenting the "Eden Alternative." It promotes family, and community and havning a purpose. Instead of an Elderly person laying in bed all day waiting to die, they are gotten out of bed and they have different opportunites to participate in activities. The preschool kids will be interacting with the elderly people.
I have noticed that when my grandparents are around my nephew they seem to come alive. They are happier and seem to feel better when he is around. That is what it will be like for the residents at Community Care. You can read more about the Eden Alternative here: www.edenalt.com
They called me this afternoon. I will be working in their new daycare with preschool kids. Community Care is in the process of implimenting the "Eden Alternative." It promotes family, and community and havning a purpose. Instead of an Elderly person laying in bed all day waiting to die, they are gotten out of bed and they have different opportunites to participate in activities. The preschool kids will be interacting with the elderly people.
I have noticed that when my grandparents are around my nephew they seem to come alive. They are happier and seem to feel better when he is around. That is what it will be like for the residents at Community Care. You can read more about the Eden Alternative here: www.edenalt.com
No Title
I read a lot of different Blogs. One of my favorite's is http://www.brandonscottthomas.blogspot.com
(I hope I did that right. I discovered a nifty little button that says "insert link."
His last two posts have been especially good. About stepping out of your comfort zone, and also about admitting that we as Christians have failed some groups of people. No matter what someone has done in the past, they can still be saved.
I think Church's as a whole, fail to welcome people who are different. Some people feel that they have lived their life so wrong and done so many things that they know are wrong, that it is too late.
God has an amazing ability to forgive and forget. I think I've written about this before, but God doesn't care what you've done. Jesus welcomed all people into his arms, and he still does. That's what God's Grace is all about.
Brandon say's it so much better than me. If you have time, go read his site.
(I hope I did that right. I discovered a nifty little button that says "insert link."
His last two posts have been especially good. About stepping out of your comfort zone, and also about admitting that we as Christians have failed some groups of people. No matter what someone has done in the past, they can still be saved.
I think Church's as a whole, fail to welcome people who are different. Some people feel that they have lived their life so wrong and done so many things that they know are wrong, that it is too late.
God has an amazing ability to forgive and forget. I think I've written about this before, but God doesn't care what you've done. Jesus welcomed all people into his arms, and he still does. That's what God's Grace is all about.
Brandon say's it so much better than me. If you have time, go read his site.
Sunday, June 19, 2005
Father's Day
Church this morning was great. We talked about our earthly father and also our heavenly father. It's easy to forget God on Father's Day. While we give our father's ties and other dad type gifts, we need to remember to thank God for all he does for us. As a father, he made the biggest sacrifice that their is.
I had my job interview on Friday at the Nursing home. I think I need to devote a whole post to that, so I'll write about it later. I also talked to Mark (the administrator) at church today. He said that even if I don't get hired for their daycare program, he would find me a job there. It might be cleaning rooms or something, but it's worth it for the benifits.
On my last post I had a comment from a guy I went to Elementary school with. At first I couldn't figure out how he knew who I was, then I remembered that Clark has a link to my site on his. Such a small world, that a guy I knew 20 years ago would happen upon my blog. Anyway, I think I remember who he is.
While most were celebrating Father's day today, my dad was on a plane on the way back from Utah. He just finished cycling around the state. He should be home in an hour or so. Thursday he leaves for Washington State, again to bicycle . Then the day after he get's home from that trip, my mom, sister and dad leave for the Beach. I could have gone, but that many hours in the car with them is really not fun for me. Plus, hopefully my job will come through. I went on Vacation last fall by myself. I had a great time. I did want I wanted to do, ate when I was hungry, slept when I was tired, layed out by the pool and read a book, ordered room service, and stopped whenever I needed to stop during the drive there and back. That is my idea of a vacation. I doubt I'll be going anywhere this year, but there is always next year.
I had my job interview on Friday at the Nursing home. I think I need to devote a whole post to that, so I'll write about it later. I also talked to Mark (the administrator) at church today. He said that even if I don't get hired for their daycare program, he would find me a job there. It might be cleaning rooms or something, but it's worth it for the benifits.
On my last post I had a comment from a guy I went to Elementary school with. At first I couldn't figure out how he knew who I was, then I remembered that Clark has a link to my site on his. Such a small world, that a guy I knew 20 years ago would happen upon my blog. Anyway, I think I remember who he is.
While most were celebrating Father's day today, my dad was on a plane on the way back from Utah. He just finished cycling around the state. He should be home in an hour or so. Thursday he leaves for Washington State, again to bicycle . Then the day after he get's home from that trip, my mom, sister and dad leave for the Beach. I could have gone, but that many hours in the car with them is really not fun for me. Plus, hopefully my job will come through. I went on Vacation last fall by myself. I had a great time. I did want I wanted to do, ate when I was hungry, slept when I was tired, layed out by the pool and read a book, ordered room service, and stopped whenever I needed to stop during the drive there and back. That is my idea of a vacation. I doubt I'll be going anywhere this year, but there is always next year.
Sunday, June 12, 2005
Trusting in God
I went forward in church this morning. After the bad week I had last week, I was just feeling really broken. Like I was trying to hold it all together, but inside I was a mess.
I had an opportunity earlier this week, to go to nursing school in Nashville. That happened about the same time I got my TennCare papers. School is just not an option right now because of my health insurance situation. But since then, when I ask God what I'm supposed to do, I keep hearing that little voice in me saying "trust me." I can't help wondering that if maybe I had trusted God and gone to school in Nashville, maybe everything would have worked out.
Last night, I was pretty upset, thinking about what if I had messed up? What if by not trusting God I had screwed up everything? I asked for prayers this morning for my insurance situation, and for my job situation.
I sat through the sermon knowing that I needed to go forward. I knew that what is going on is not something I can face alone. Two men at my church went up also, for different reasons. One is someone I have known a while and care very much about. All three of us were crying and people were gathered around us and prayers were said. I felt such a relief to get all of it out in the open. There is no way I could have gone up like that at my old church. For one thing, I never felt like anyone there cared, and the church is so big it would have been really intimidating.
When church was over, my preachers brother came up to me. He is an administrator at a local nursing home. He said that if I want it, there is a job for me at the nursing home, with full benefits! I'm going there tommorow to talk to him about it. All I can say is, praise God! He humbled me and made me ask for help, then he provided an answer to my problems.
I feel so blessed to be a part of Stones River Church. Every time I am there, it becomes more evident that I'm in the right place. God put me there for a reason.
I had an opportunity earlier this week, to go to nursing school in Nashville. That happened about the same time I got my TennCare papers. School is just not an option right now because of my health insurance situation. But since then, when I ask God what I'm supposed to do, I keep hearing that little voice in me saying "trust me." I can't help wondering that if maybe I had trusted God and gone to school in Nashville, maybe everything would have worked out.
Last night, I was pretty upset, thinking about what if I had messed up? What if by not trusting God I had screwed up everything? I asked for prayers this morning for my insurance situation, and for my job situation.
I sat through the sermon knowing that I needed to go forward. I knew that what is going on is not something I can face alone. Two men at my church went up also, for different reasons. One is someone I have known a while and care very much about. All three of us were crying and people were gathered around us and prayers were said. I felt such a relief to get all of it out in the open. There is no way I could have gone up like that at my old church. For one thing, I never felt like anyone there cared, and the church is so big it would have been really intimidating.
When church was over, my preachers brother came up to me. He is an administrator at a local nursing home. He said that if I want it, there is a job for me at the nursing home, with full benefits! I'm going there tommorow to talk to him about it. All I can say is, praise God! He humbled me and made me ask for help, then he provided an answer to my problems.
I feel so blessed to be a part of Stones River Church. Every time I am there, it becomes more evident that I'm in the right place. God put me there for a reason.
God,
Thank you for all you do in my life. You never stop amazing me with your love. Be with me as I go talk to Mark tomorrow about the job. Let this be an answer to my prayers. God please be with Steven and Steve. They both came forward when I did this morning. They have specific area's in their lives where they need you. God get them past what they are going through. God help me to trust in you more. Help me to put my relationship with you first.
Please be with Ashleigh. We took her to camp today. It's her first week long camp. Leaving her was not easy. Give us peace of mind, and keep her safe.
In your son's name,
amen
Thank you for all you do in my life. You never stop amazing me with your love. Be with me as I go talk to Mark tomorrow about the job. Let this be an answer to my prayers. God please be with Steven and Steve. They both came forward when I did this morning. They have specific area's in their lives where they need you. God get them past what they are going through. God help me to trust in you more. Help me to put my relationship with you first.
Please be with Ashleigh. We took her to camp today. It's her first week long camp. Leaving her was not easy. Give us peace of mind, and keep her safe.
In your son's name,
amen
Tuesday, June 07, 2005
Crying
I feel like I want to cry. For some reason I've been holding it in since saturday. It's going to come out, I just am not ready to let go yet.
I got my letter from nursing school. I'm an alternate. I realize this is further than a lot of people get. I studied my butt off for the test I had to take just to get an interview. I got my interview, and I had to answer so many questions. I answered them all honestly, I was honest about my health, and I couldn't have done any differently. So unless some person for some reason drops before class starts in a month, and I happen to be the first alternate, no nursing for me.
Today I got my Tenncare letter. Until today I could pretend that maybe I wasn't one of the ones loosing their coverage. Maybe for some reason the Tenncare people would let me keep mine. I have papers I have to send back, but from reading the stuff I'de say my tenncare is gone. I'm not being negative, it was there in black and white. I don't qualify for medicaid, I don't have children, i'm not in a nursing home...
The insurance hurts so much more than the nursing school thing. Sure I'm upset about school, but I don't know how to live without health insurance. Maybe I'm naive and dumb, but this is the first time I've really felt like my government has failed me. And it hurts. It hurts so much.
It's hard for me to have faith and to put my trust in God when it seems like my life is falling apart.
I know I sound like I feel sorry for myself. Tonight I do. In the morning, more than likely I won't, but tonight I need to let this all out.
I'm so scared about where my life is headed. Why do so many bad things happen to me? Why do bad things seem to happen all at once?
I just want God to take this pain away and take these burdens away from me. God doesn't give us more than we can bare, but I feel like I'm at the breaking point.
I'm tired of being sick, tired of being single, tired of feeling alone, just tired of everything.
I wish I wasn't alone now, I need someone to hold me and just let me cry. I've cried a little while typing this, but not like I need to.
I guess my point to all my rambling is God, please take some of these worries off of me, take them all. Help me to stop feeling so empty. God let me find a job soon. Most of all thank you, because I know, that even though I don't see them or feel them, your arms are wrapped around me right now, holding me tight.
I got my letter from nursing school. I'm an alternate. I realize this is further than a lot of people get. I studied my butt off for the test I had to take just to get an interview. I got my interview, and I had to answer so many questions. I answered them all honestly, I was honest about my health, and I couldn't have done any differently. So unless some person for some reason drops before class starts in a month, and I happen to be the first alternate, no nursing for me.
Today I got my Tenncare letter. Until today I could pretend that maybe I wasn't one of the ones loosing their coverage. Maybe for some reason the Tenncare people would let me keep mine. I have papers I have to send back, but from reading the stuff I'de say my tenncare is gone. I'm not being negative, it was there in black and white. I don't qualify for medicaid, I don't have children, i'm not in a nursing home...
The insurance hurts so much more than the nursing school thing. Sure I'm upset about school, but I don't know how to live without health insurance. Maybe I'm naive and dumb, but this is the first time I've really felt like my government has failed me. And it hurts. It hurts so much.
It's hard for me to have faith and to put my trust in God when it seems like my life is falling apart.
I know I sound like I feel sorry for myself. Tonight I do. In the morning, more than likely I won't, but tonight I need to let this all out.
I'm so scared about where my life is headed. Why do so many bad things happen to me? Why do bad things seem to happen all at once?
I just want God to take this pain away and take these burdens away from me. God doesn't give us more than we can bare, but I feel like I'm at the breaking point.
I'm tired of being sick, tired of being single, tired of feeling alone, just tired of everything.
I wish I wasn't alone now, I need someone to hold me and just let me cry. I've cried a little while typing this, but not like I need to.
I guess my point to all my rambling is God, please take some of these worries off of me, take them all. Help me to stop feeling so empty. God let me find a job soon. Most of all thank you, because I know, that even though I don't see them or feel them, your arms are wrapped around me right now, holding me tight.
Monday, May 30, 2005
Reunion
Saturday night was my Class reunion. It wasn't as bad as I had prepared myself for it to be. There was 12 or 13 of us there. Plus a few husbands/wives. Nobody brought dates. We mostly just stood around and talked. It was on the fifteenth floor balcony of our only skyrise here. It was a great view, especially at sunset. I still don't feel nearly as accomplished as everyone else, and I definatly don't have as much money as most of them, but I think I'm just as happy if not happier.
Afterward, four of us who were single and didn't have kids to go home to, went out. We went to this bar over by where the outlet mall used to be. Yes, I went to a bar. No, I didn't drink. I was the only one not drinking, but I'm used to that. I go to a bar about once every five years. That smoky, drunk atmosphere is not really me. This place was full of rednecks and skanky women. Also, I think I inhalled enough second hand smoke to last me another five years.
A high school crush was revived saturday night. It's amazing that after 10 years, I still have the same feelings from high school for this guy. Who knows if anything will ever happen with us. I probably won't see him again until our 20 year reunion. I've been pondering if he's even someone that I need to date. I mean he's nice and all and he does go to Church. But, I know way to well that just going to church means nothing. It's how a guy acts away from church that matters to me. I'm not looking for a guy who cleans up real nice, and seems like a strong christian at church, and then turns around the rest of the week and cusses and get's drunk, and acts totally different. I'm not saying that this guy is like that. He may not be at all, I just don't know. I'm looking for someone who is real. Someone who admits he's not perfect, but strives to be a good man. Someone that respects me and makes me feel good about myself. Most importantly, I 'm looking for someone who loves Christ.
I try my best to be a real person. Someone who acts the same no matter where I am. I do have a lot of layers to myself. Parts of me that I don't let many people into. Mostly because they involve hurt and pain and grief. I also may not be as talkative in some situations as in others. I guess I'm trying to say that I don't go to church pretending to be some super person who never sins. I'll admit I've made mistakes in my life. I've learned from these mistakes, and they've made me who I am today. That's what I like about my church versus where I used to go to church. No one at my church is afraid to admit that they aren't perfect. I'm not afraid of what other's think of me. I don't feel like anyone is judging me or looking down on me. I feel like that's how Jesus was. He didn't care who you had been in the past. He loved you anyway and he welcomed everyone with open arms. Well, it's not how Jesus was, it's how he still is.
**************************************************************************
Today was Memorial day. I picked a few flowers from my garden and went to my nephews grave. He would be five and a half now. I know he would be so excited to have a little brother. His grave is at Coleman Cemetary. It's a little cemetary out old Woodbury Hwy. Uncle Dave Macon (a well known guy here, not my uncle) is burried out there also. It's weird, Uncle Dave's son used to rent a room from my great, great grandparents. Uncle Dave came and ate dinner with them some, and later his son came at ate with my Grandparents and my mom and her brother. I think it's strange how in that little cemetary there is a connection that occured totally by accident.
I put my flowers on Christians grave, then I was at a loss for words. I haven't been out there in over six months. Not since my nephew (the one I babysit a lot) was born. There was just so much I wanted to tell him, but I couldn't get most of it out. I wanted to cry, but there was some older man and another guy walking around the cemetary and I just didn't feel as alone with him as I needed to be. Maybe it's silly to visit someones grave and to talk to it, since they aren't even in there anymore, but it's where I feel the most connected to him. It's hard to go out there, it brings back so many memories. I know that he could not have lived, I know that if by some miracle he had, he would have suffered greatly. I'm glad that God took him while he was being born, before he suffered. I only knew him as the baby who kicked my hand from inside my sister's womb and as the baby who layed peacefully in my arms and only looked like he was sleeping.
Afterward, four of us who were single and didn't have kids to go home to, went out. We went to this bar over by where the outlet mall used to be. Yes, I went to a bar. No, I didn't drink. I was the only one not drinking, but I'm used to that. I go to a bar about once every five years. That smoky, drunk atmosphere is not really me. This place was full of rednecks and skanky women. Also, I think I inhalled enough second hand smoke to last me another five years.
A high school crush was revived saturday night. It's amazing that after 10 years, I still have the same feelings from high school for this guy. Who knows if anything will ever happen with us. I probably won't see him again until our 20 year reunion. I've been pondering if he's even someone that I need to date. I mean he's nice and all and he does go to Church. But, I know way to well that just going to church means nothing. It's how a guy acts away from church that matters to me. I'm not looking for a guy who cleans up real nice, and seems like a strong christian at church, and then turns around the rest of the week and cusses and get's drunk, and acts totally different. I'm not saying that this guy is like that. He may not be at all, I just don't know. I'm looking for someone who is real. Someone who admits he's not perfect, but strives to be a good man. Someone that respects me and makes me feel good about myself. Most importantly, I 'm looking for someone who loves Christ.
I try my best to be a real person. Someone who acts the same no matter where I am. I do have a lot of layers to myself. Parts of me that I don't let many people into. Mostly because they involve hurt and pain and grief. I also may not be as talkative in some situations as in others. I guess I'm trying to say that I don't go to church pretending to be some super person who never sins. I'll admit I've made mistakes in my life. I've learned from these mistakes, and they've made me who I am today. That's what I like about my church versus where I used to go to church. No one at my church is afraid to admit that they aren't perfect. I'm not afraid of what other's think of me. I don't feel like anyone is judging me or looking down on me. I feel like that's how Jesus was. He didn't care who you had been in the past. He loved you anyway and he welcomed everyone with open arms. Well, it's not how Jesus was, it's how he still is.
**************************************************************************
Today was Memorial day. I picked a few flowers from my garden and went to my nephews grave. He would be five and a half now. I know he would be so excited to have a little brother. His grave is at Coleman Cemetary. It's a little cemetary out old Woodbury Hwy. Uncle Dave Macon (a well known guy here, not my uncle) is burried out there also. It's weird, Uncle Dave's son used to rent a room from my great, great grandparents. Uncle Dave came and ate dinner with them some, and later his son came at ate with my Grandparents and my mom and her brother. I think it's strange how in that little cemetary there is a connection that occured totally by accident.
I put my flowers on Christians grave, then I was at a loss for words. I haven't been out there in over six months. Not since my nephew (the one I babysit a lot) was born. There was just so much I wanted to tell him, but I couldn't get most of it out. I wanted to cry, but there was some older man and another guy walking around the cemetary and I just didn't feel as alone with him as I needed to be. Maybe it's silly to visit someones grave and to talk to it, since they aren't even in there anymore, but it's where I feel the most connected to him. It's hard to go out there, it brings back so many memories. I know that he could not have lived, I know that if by some miracle he had, he would have suffered greatly. I'm glad that God took him while he was being born, before he suffered. I only knew him as the baby who kicked my hand from inside my sister's womb and as the baby who layed peacefully in my arms and only looked like he was sleeping.
Thursday, May 26, 2005
Pulled Muscle
I think I pulled a muscle in my back at yoga/pilates last night. I didn't have my nephew last night so I went to an extra class at Patterson Park. Yes, I skipped church to do it. Sometimes I need to think about God in different ways. When I am totally concentrating on my breathing or trying to balance and not fall over, I can feel God there. When I contort myself into some strange new yoga position, I find myself thinking in awe about how God made our bodies capable of doing so much. To think of all that went on in designing the human body and all the fine details, what an enormous job! When Adam and Eve were in the garden of Eden, their bodies were perfect. God had made a perfect being. Now our bodies have problems. We get sick, and we get old. We as Christians have the upper hand on non Christians. One day our bodies will be perfect again. We'll be in a perfect place. I myself am looking forward to no more pulled muscles.
After I got out of class last night, I thinking of going home, eating and going to bed. As I neared my car, I thought I heard a faint ringing noise. It got louder as I pushed the button to unlock my doors. My cell phone was in my center console ringing away. Seems my sisters fever went back up and she wanted me to come get my nephew. She lives about a minute from Patterson Park, so I went and got him and brought him over here for the night. He was great, he took a bath, ate his cereal and fruit,(baby oatmeal and I think pears) took a bottle, and went to sleep. He slept soundly until 7:15 this morning. I fed him another bottle, then he went with my mom to a program at my little sisters school. I hope someday that I can have a baby as perfect as he is. Even if I can't have it myself, I hope I get the opportunity to be a mom.
There is a little girl I have babysat for a few times. Her mom had a baby boy six weeks ago, he has downs syndrome. To me he is perfect also. He's such a little fellow and has such a hard life ahead of him. They won't know the extent of his downs (as far as mental and physical development), until he is older. I pray that he grows to be a sweet, tender hearted boy, with very little limitations. I've always felt a strong pull towards children with handicaps. I should know something in a week or two about nursing school. After that, we'll see what God has in store for me.
I paid for my class reunion. There's no backing out now. I hope they're all fat. I know that's not nice, and should someone I went to school with ever read this, I suppose I would be emberrased. But it's true. At least I am an honest person.
The family is leaving for Georgia tomorrow. I'll have my nephew part of the weekend, but hopefully I can relax for some of it. My irritable bowel has been, well, slightly irritable this week. Possibly the stress of the reunion, or the stress of waiting for info. on nursing school. More than likely a combination of both. I'm just not feeling quite right and I pray I'm not headed towards an ulcerative colitis flare up. That is the last thing I need right now. Anyway, something is going on with my gut. I guess I should have posted a waring before this for people who don't want to hear about my colon. Well, Clark told us about his foot fungus, so I can talk about my colon. :)
After I got out of class last night, I thinking of going home, eating and going to bed. As I neared my car, I thought I heard a faint ringing noise. It got louder as I pushed the button to unlock my doors. My cell phone was in my center console ringing away. Seems my sisters fever went back up and she wanted me to come get my nephew. She lives about a minute from Patterson Park, so I went and got him and brought him over here for the night. He was great, he took a bath, ate his cereal and fruit,(baby oatmeal and I think pears) took a bottle, and went to sleep. He slept soundly until 7:15 this morning. I fed him another bottle, then he went with my mom to a program at my little sisters school. I hope someday that I can have a baby as perfect as he is. Even if I can't have it myself, I hope I get the opportunity to be a mom.
There is a little girl I have babysat for a few times. Her mom had a baby boy six weeks ago, he has downs syndrome. To me he is perfect also. He's such a little fellow and has such a hard life ahead of him. They won't know the extent of his downs (as far as mental and physical development), until he is older. I pray that he grows to be a sweet, tender hearted boy, with very little limitations. I've always felt a strong pull towards children with handicaps. I should know something in a week or two about nursing school. After that, we'll see what God has in store for me.
I paid for my class reunion. There's no backing out now. I hope they're all fat. I know that's not nice, and should someone I went to school with ever read this, I suppose I would be emberrased. But it's true. At least I am an honest person.
The family is leaving for Georgia tomorrow. I'll have my nephew part of the weekend, but hopefully I can relax for some of it. My irritable bowel has been, well, slightly irritable this week. Possibly the stress of the reunion, or the stress of waiting for info. on nursing school. More than likely a combination of both. I'm just not feeling quite right and I pray I'm not headed towards an ulcerative colitis flare up. That is the last thing I need right now. Anyway, something is going on with my gut. I guess I should have posted a waring before this for people who don't want to hear about my colon. Well, Clark told us about his foot fungus, so I can talk about my colon. :)
Sunday, May 22, 2005
No Weekend For Aunt Sarah
My family went out of town this weekend. The last few years their out of town weekends have been my vacation alone at home weekends. I find it peaceful and relaxing when I'm here alone. Well, so much for that. I had my nephew friday evening while my sister worked. Then I went to bed and was awakened at the butt crack of dawn by the phone. It was my sister, not feeling well, wanting me to come get my nephew. I mumbled something about when I woke up I would get him, but that it would be awhile. I picked him up about lunch time and took him home around 8:00. By the time I got back it was almost time for bed. I woke up this morning, went to church and then picked up my nephew on my way home from church. My family was back when I got home from picking him up, and my mom took him back home tonight. All in all, I think I had about two hours to myself the whole weekend, not counting sleeping and church. I love my nephew. I love him more than I knew it was possible to love someone. But, at the same time I really missed my weekend to myself. My family will be gone again next weekend. I'm not looking forward to it so much because my 10 year high school reunion is Saturday night. Yes, I am old.
Today was Graduate Sunday at Church. There was a video of the five guys who graduated from high school. It went all the way from baby pictures to current pictures. Also, they spoke on it, saying what they planned to do now. Then their parents spoke about them and told embarrasing childhood stories. I am so glad that was not done when I graduated. I was thinking today that I barely remember graduation. I remember someone spoke and that it was in my school gym, and that it was way too long to only be having 19 people graduating. I went to a small private school. I have only spoken to maybe 3 of my classmates since graduation. I would not call any of them friends. I also feel like I haven't accomplished much and I'm definatly not where I thought I would be at this point in my life. I feel like the class "looser." Pray for me to not feel this way and for me to be confident and not turn into the shy, quiet person I was in high school. I'm still quiet, but not nearly as quiet as I was. I'm scared I'm going to go Saturday night and regress back to who I was then. I'm so much more outgoing and confident now. That is who I want to be Saturday. I want to be myself.
Today was Graduate Sunday at Church. There was a video of the five guys who graduated from high school. It went all the way from baby pictures to current pictures. Also, they spoke on it, saying what they planned to do now. Then their parents spoke about them and told embarrasing childhood stories. I am so glad that was not done when I graduated. I was thinking today that I barely remember graduation. I remember someone spoke and that it was in my school gym, and that it was way too long to only be having 19 people graduating. I went to a small private school. I have only spoken to maybe 3 of my classmates since graduation. I would not call any of them friends. I also feel like I haven't accomplished much and I'm definatly not where I thought I would be at this point in my life. I feel like the class "looser." Pray for me to not feel this way and for me to be confident and not turn into the shy, quiet person I was in high school. I'm still quiet, but not nearly as quiet as I was. I'm scared I'm going to go Saturday night and regress back to who I was then. I'm so much more outgoing and confident now. That is who I want to be Saturday. I want to be myself.
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
Filler
I wish I had something profound to post about.
Sunday at church we had a special prsentation of the 3 college students who are going on mission trips this summer. Bryan is going to Israel. It takes more guts than I have to go somewhere like that. I really admire the drive and the faith that they show when going to places like this. I also know several people who are going and have been to Africa. Maleria just doesn't appeal to me, so I think a trip to Africa is not in my future. I did go to Mexico twice in high school on mission trips. I loved it. It made me grateful for what I have. Sometimes I wish for more local mission work. I know there are lots of opportunities locally to help others. I know that here in Rutherford county, there are people living with no running water. There are children who go cold because their brother or sister are wearing the only coat they have. Seems sometimes like it is easier to go off other places and work with the homeless and the poor, instead of acknowledging that it exists in your own backyard. I'm not saying that foreign missions is by any means bad. I think it's important. I just wish I could see people get as excited about doing local mission work.
Sleep is something that has never come easy to me. I toss and turn and lay there and think. I think of things from 20 years ago, 10 years ago, last week, today, next week, next year etc... I worry about the past, present and future. I pray, I cry, I cover up, I uncover...you get the picture. We are talking a good hour before I fall asleep. I started going to Yogalaties (sp?) a month ago. At the end of class (my favorite part) she turns the lights out, puts really soft music on and we lay on our backs on our mat's. She tells us to clear our mind. Focus only on our beathing. Then she says to use your sub conscious and picture your toes relaxing, then relax our toes. She takes us through our legs, torso, neck, ect...and then you just lay there and breath. I have found that if I take myself through this relaxation excersise after I get in bed, I fall asleep much faster. now if I can just get my tummy to shrink...
My nephew had his six months checkup today. He is 18.4 pounds and 28 inches long. He's getting so big! Speaking of getting big, my little sister has a field trip to Huntsville AL tomorrow. This is the furthest she's been without us. My parents had a funeral to go to today (I'll post on that another time). I picked my sister up from school, brought her home for a half hour, then took her to the animal shelter to do vounteer work with her girl scout troup. When I picked her back up, I had to go in and get her. Let me just say, yuck. While it is a nice new facility and seemed to have plenty of space, even a nice new place can't help being stinky with that many dogs. My car now smells slightly of dog, thanks to my sister. I saw two big fluffy cats that I would love to bring home. That's why it's best to keep me out of there.
Sunday at church we had a special prsentation of the 3 college students who are going on mission trips this summer. Bryan is going to Israel. It takes more guts than I have to go somewhere like that. I really admire the drive and the faith that they show when going to places like this. I also know several people who are going and have been to Africa. Maleria just doesn't appeal to me, so I think a trip to Africa is not in my future. I did go to Mexico twice in high school on mission trips. I loved it. It made me grateful for what I have. Sometimes I wish for more local mission work. I know there are lots of opportunities locally to help others. I know that here in Rutherford county, there are people living with no running water. There are children who go cold because their brother or sister are wearing the only coat they have. Seems sometimes like it is easier to go off other places and work with the homeless and the poor, instead of acknowledging that it exists in your own backyard. I'm not saying that foreign missions is by any means bad. I think it's important. I just wish I could see people get as excited about doing local mission work.
Sleep is something that has never come easy to me. I toss and turn and lay there and think. I think of things from 20 years ago, 10 years ago, last week, today, next week, next year etc... I worry about the past, present and future. I pray, I cry, I cover up, I uncover...you get the picture. We are talking a good hour before I fall asleep. I started going to Yogalaties (sp?) a month ago. At the end of class (my favorite part) she turns the lights out, puts really soft music on and we lay on our backs on our mat's. She tells us to clear our mind. Focus only on our beathing. Then she says to use your sub conscious and picture your toes relaxing, then relax our toes. She takes us through our legs, torso, neck, ect...and then you just lay there and breath. I have found that if I take myself through this relaxation excersise after I get in bed, I fall asleep much faster. now if I can just get my tummy to shrink...
My nephew had his six months checkup today. He is 18.4 pounds and 28 inches long. He's getting so big! Speaking of getting big, my little sister has a field trip to Huntsville AL tomorrow. This is the furthest she's been without us. My parents had a funeral to go to today (I'll post on that another time). I picked my sister up from school, brought her home for a half hour, then took her to the animal shelter to do vounteer work with her girl scout troup. When I picked her back up, I had to go in and get her. Let me just say, yuck. While it is a nice new facility and seemed to have plenty of space, even a nice new place can't help being stinky with that many dogs. My car now smells slightly of dog, thanks to my sister. I saw two big fluffy cats that I would love to bring home. That's why it's best to keep me out of there.
Thursday, May 12, 2005
17 Years Later
This time 17 years ago, I was standing on the Stage at Northfield Elementary School. I was a member of the first Chorus and the first class of 5'th graders ever at Northfield. Tonight I got to go watch my little sister, now a 5'th grader, stand on that same stage and sing in chorus. It was precious.
Even though I have basically not grown any taller (just a little wider) since I was a student at Northfield, it still always feels so much smaller in there than I remember. I always thought that my sister would graduate from 6'th grade there. Since she will be at a school for the gifted next year, that won't happen. The principle at Northfield left in January to get ready to open a new elementary school this fall. Several people are leaving Northfield to go to the new school. The Vice Principle and several others are leaving to go to my sisters new school. Northfield has meant a lot to me and my family throughout the years that it has been open. Leaving it behind isn't going to be easy.
My sister sang a solo tonight. I am so proud of her! She only had one line, but she sang it on key. In so many ways, because we are so far apart in age, she almost feels like mine. I look at her the same way a mother looks at her child, and I am just as proud of her as I would be if she were mine. I think that is one reason (besides money) that I still live here. When the time comes for me to move out, it's going to be like leaving my child behind.
Even though I have basically not grown any taller (just a little wider) since I was a student at Northfield, it still always feels so much smaller in there than I remember. I always thought that my sister would graduate from 6'th grade there. Since she will be at a school for the gifted next year, that won't happen. The principle at Northfield left in January to get ready to open a new elementary school this fall. Several people are leaving Northfield to go to the new school. The Vice Principle and several others are leaving to go to my sisters new school. Northfield has meant a lot to me and my family throughout the years that it has been open. Leaving it behind isn't going to be easy.
My sister sang a solo tonight. I am so proud of her! She only had one line, but she sang it on key. In so many ways, because we are so far apart in age, she almost feels like mine. I look at her the same way a mother looks at her child, and I am just as proud of her as I would be if she were mine. I think that is one reason (besides money) that I still live here. When the time comes for me to move out, it's going to be like leaving my child behind.
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
Hmmm....
Just checked my counter to see who had been reading my blog and it said Treas.gov read it at 11 this morning. Why would the U.S. treasury read my blog? Maybe because of all my talk of Tenncare? Strange, they must have been bored.
I give up
I gave up today and decided I am sick. I was in denial all day yesterday. My throat hurts like I have larengitus (sp?) but I haven't lost my voice yet, I just feel it coming on. I've already had it once this year, and I usually only get it once a year or so. I don't have tonsils, so it know it's not that. I think i'll give until friday and then maybe call my doctor. Last time all she did was put me on steroids, and I really don't want that again. Anyway, I just basically feel like poo.
I debated going to church tonight and finally decided to go. My nephew slept for about the last 20 minutes of class and was an angel, as usual.
I need someone to go with me to my class reunion on May 28'th. I don't want to go by myself. High school was hard enough for me, I'de like someone I know to be with me. I guess for moral support. I asked someone at church, but he will be out of town that weekend. There are very limited options at my church and he was basically the only one. There's the guy who doesn't like me, and the guy who I thought I might like. He works a lot and I am betting that he works that night. If anyone has any ideas, let me know...
I debated going to church tonight and finally decided to go. My nephew slept for about the last 20 minutes of class and was an angel, as usual.
I need someone to go with me to my class reunion on May 28'th. I don't want to go by myself. High school was hard enough for me, I'de like someone I know to be with me. I guess for moral support. I asked someone at church, but he will be out of town that weekend. There are very limited options at my church and he was basically the only one. There's the guy who doesn't like me, and the guy who I thought I might like. He works a lot and I am betting that he works that night. If anyone has any ideas, let me know...
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
no title
Now that I haven't seen him for a couple of days, maybe I don't like him? I don't know...it seems like I like guys lately who I have no chance with. Maybe it's safer that way. I have my little crush, I don't get hurt, everything is good. I think i'm ready to risk getting hurt again. I'm ready to love someone. I trust myself now. I know what I can and can't do and situations that I can't let myself get into or things will go to far.
I had my interview for nursing school yesterday morning. It was scary. I had to walk through this giggling room of students (who themselves were in the same situation a year ago), to get to the office where the interview was. They asked me a bunch of questions. A lot of questions that are illegal to ask in a job interview, but this was a school interview, not a job. They asked if I had any kids, if I had health problems, if I was on any medicine. I didn't tell them everything health wise. Only that I have had Ulcerative Colitis, but have not had problems in several years and that I take an immunesupresent for it, but I am on the lowest dose, and no I do not get sick easier or more often than other people because of it. Go figure, today I have some kind of cold/allergy thing goin on. Oh well, at least I didn't have it yesterday for my interview. I didn't tell them about my arthritus or anxiety or irritable bowel. Those are all things I have learned to live with and I didn't feel were any of there business. I know that I would make an awesome nurse. I hope they could see that.
God solves problems in great ways! I had a blood test done back in January at my doctor's in nashville. It was to measure the level of Immunesupresent in my body to make sure I am on the right dose. The only lab in the whole U.S. that does this particular test is in California. So we sent my blood off. Well, they aren't in TennCare's network. So Tenncare wouldn't pay them. My nurse filled out all these appeals and wrote a letter and I called them. Then today I finally called the lab cause I got another bill saying nothing had been paid to them. Turns out since I am on state insurance which is basically the equivalent to Medicade, they should never have billed me in the first place. For some reason in California (not sure about other states) they write off bills like that. So I owe a huge thanks to the tax payers of California who will be picking up the tab. So now I am glad I called them lab instead of spending the day on the phone with TennCare and not getting anywhere with them. I still don't know if I am going to loose or keep my TennCare. I really, really need to keep it. At least until I get out of nursing school or if I don't get in until I find a job with insurance that will hopefully cover me. I'm not sure where the people who manage TennCare come from, but if they would put some people in charge who have half a brain, TennCare could save a lot of money. Heck, from my experiences with them, I think I could them a few pointers. If it had been managed well in the first place, the budget would not be a problem. I could give some examples of their mismanagement, but I'll keep them to myself. Anyway, the bottom line, as I mentioned in another post, is that I have Chronic health problems, I cannot get insurance privately, and at the moment I am poor. I need to keep my insurance.
I had my interview for nursing school yesterday morning. It was scary. I had to walk through this giggling room of students (who themselves were in the same situation a year ago), to get to the office where the interview was. They asked me a bunch of questions. A lot of questions that are illegal to ask in a job interview, but this was a school interview, not a job. They asked if I had any kids, if I had health problems, if I was on any medicine. I didn't tell them everything health wise. Only that I have had Ulcerative Colitis, but have not had problems in several years and that I take an immunesupresent for it, but I am on the lowest dose, and no I do not get sick easier or more often than other people because of it. Go figure, today I have some kind of cold/allergy thing goin on. Oh well, at least I didn't have it yesterday for my interview. I didn't tell them about my arthritus or anxiety or irritable bowel. Those are all things I have learned to live with and I didn't feel were any of there business. I know that I would make an awesome nurse. I hope they could see that.
God solves problems in great ways! I had a blood test done back in January at my doctor's in nashville. It was to measure the level of Immunesupresent in my body to make sure I am on the right dose. The only lab in the whole U.S. that does this particular test is in California. So we sent my blood off. Well, they aren't in TennCare's network. So Tenncare wouldn't pay them. My nurse filled out all these appeals and wrote a letter and I called them. Then today I finally called the lab cause I got another bill saying nothing had been paid to them. Turns out since I am on state insurance which is basically the equivalent to Medicade, they should never have billed me in the first place. For some reason in California (not sure about other states) they write off bills like that. So I owe a huge thanks to the tax payers of California who will be picking up the tab. So now I am glad I called them lab instead of spending the day on the phone with TennCare and not getting anywhere with them. I still don't know if I am going to loose or keep my TennCare. I really, really need to keep it. At least until I get out of nursing school or if I don't get in until I find a job with insurance that will hopefully cover me. I'm not sure where the people who manage TennCare come from, but if they would put some people in charge who have half a brain, TennCare could save a lot of money. Heck, from my experiences with them, I think I could them a few pointers. If it had been managed well in the first place, the budget would not be a problem. I could give some examples of their mismanagement, but I'll keep them to myself. Anyway, the bottom line, as I mentioned in another post, is that I have Chronic health problems, I cannot get insurance privately, and at the moment I am poor. I need to keep my insurance.
Sunday, May 08, 2005
My Weekend
I had a pretty good weekend. I went to the Smyrna air show. It was the first time I've been to an air show. I myself do not like to fly. Something about the lack of control and the confined space and stuff just freaks me out. However, I really enjoyed watching the planes yesterday. We walked under the security tape and sat on the Tarmac at this guys little red plane (a Pitts?). It was a little two seater. We had some great seats over there. It was where people who had flown in their private planes that, I guess were parked there to show them off, were sitting. As the airplanes in the show landed that taxied to right over by where we were sitting and got out of them. They also refueled them there and started them up there and everything. I guess it was kind of the staging area. There was this one guy who climbed around on the outside of a plane while his father flew it. When they landed he sounded like he was hocking up a lung over and over. I would think that you would inhale quite a bit of stuff up there. It took an hour and fifteen minutes to get off the airbase to the main road in Smyrna. I was late getting back to keep my nephew, but it wasn't a big deal. While I was stuck in traffic I got to watch the Thunderbirds.
My nephew gave me a Mothers day card, but marked out mother and wrote in "aunt" . Well, my sister wrote it in. Then this morning at Church I got a Mothers day flower from Jonathon since I am basically my nephews second mom.
I enjoyed my time to myself this weekend. What little of it I actually had to myself anyway. I watched the movie "Meet the Fockers." I wouldn't recomend this movie if you are easily offended. It's rated pg-13 . I am not affected by stuff I see on Tv or movies. I mean if it's scary it scares me. But as far as language goes, I tend to tune out cursing. The sexual stuff was a little much, but It was done in a way that it was funny to me. I didn't like this one as much as "Meet the Parents" though. I think I could have done without the baby's first words being A** Hole in the movie, but even that was kinda funny.
I think I am definatly interested in the guy I mentioned in my last post. I talked with him more this weekend and it left me wanting to talk more. I just enjoy being around him and his personality and everything. That mean little voice in my head keeps telling me that he isn't interested in me and why would he be and all that. I hate that voice. I hate that doubt that so many women tend to have. I think mine comes from so many different dissapointments and rejections. After a while, you start preparing yourself for rejection way ahead of time. I try to have confidence in myself, but every once in a while I need that confidence reinforced. I guess I need to hear that I'm pretty or that I'm nice and all that crap about how any guy would be lucky to have me. I shouldn't need that boost, but I do. See guys, whether we are 18 or 28, we still have the same doubts and stuff about ourselves. Women need to be complimented and made to feel good about themselves once in a while. So many times other women tend to make us feel unattractive. It's in our nature to compare ourselves and I think we just assume that you, as a guy, are comparing us to other women also. It's a scary thing to wonder if we measure up.
I'm sure that there are some super confident gorgeous women out there who never feel this way, but I have yet to meet one.
I got really shot down a few months ago. I think it was back in the fall. There is this guy I've known since I started going to the Christian Center. I saw how he had matured and I knew he was looking for the right person. I had been interested off and on in him since the first semester I knew him. I talked to Sarah J. and the center about it and she said to let her call him and see if he had any feelings for me. Turns out that since we were friends, he couldn't ever like me as more. Turns out he feels that way abotu all Women. apparently friends first does not work with him. At least I know why he is still single though. I have always looked at it just the opposite. You get to know a person and be friends with them and it builds from there. My point here is that, that incedent kind of hurt. I am so hesitent to even let a guy know I'm interested in them now. I don't want to be rejected again. I wish this dating stuff was easier.
My nephew gave me a Mothers day card, but marked out mother and wrote in "aunt" . Well, my sister wrote it in. Then this morning at Church I got a Mothers day flower from Jonathon since I am basically my nephews second mom.
I enjoyed my time to myself this weekend. What little of it I actually had to myself anyway. I watched the movie "Meet the Fockers." I wouldn't recomend this movie if you are easily offended. It's rated pg-13 . I am not affected by stuff I see on Tv or movies. I mean if it's scary it scares me. But as far as language goes, I tend to tune out cursing. The sexual stuff was a little much, but It was done in a way that it was funny to me. I didn't like this one as much as "Meet the Parents" though. I think I could have done without the baby's first words being A** Hole in the movie, but even that was kinda funny.
I think I am definatly interested in the guy I mentioned in my last post. I talked with him more this weekend and it left me wanting to talk more. I just enjoy being around him and his personality and everything. That mean little voice in my head keeps telling me that he isn't interested in me and why would he be and all that. I hate that voice. I hate that doubt that so many women tend to have. I think mine comes from so many different dissapointments and rejections. After a while, you start preparing yourself for rejection way ahead of time. I try to have confidence in myself, but every once in a while I need that confidence reinforced. I guess I need to hear that I'm pretty or that I'm nice and all that crap about how any guy would be lucky to have me. I shouldn't need that boost, but I do. See guys, whether we are 18 or 28, we still have the same doubts and stuff about ourselves. Women need to be complimented and made to feel good about themselves once in a while. So many times other women tend to make us feel unattractive. It's in our nature to compare ourselves and I think we just assume that you, as a guy, are comparing us to other women also. It's a scary thing to wonder if we measure up.
I'm sure that there are some super confident gorgeous women out there who never feel this way, but I have yet to meet one.
I got really shot down a few months ago. I think it was back in the fall. There is this guy I've known since I started going to the Christian Center. I saw how he had matured and I knew he was looking for the right person. I had been interested off and on in him since the first semester I knew him. I talked to Sarah J. and the center about it and she said to let her call him and see if he had any feelings for me. Turns out that since we were friends, he couldn't ever like me as more. Turns out he feels that way abotu all Women. apparently friends first does not work with him. At least I know why he is still single though. I have always looked at it just the opposite. You get to know a person and be friends with them and it builds from there. My point here is that, that incedent kind of hurt. I am so hesitent to even let a guy know I'm interested in them now. I don't want to be rejected again. I wish this dating stuff was easier.
Thursday, May 05, 2005
Create In Me
Create in me a clean heart oh God,
And renew a right spirit within me.
Create in me a clean heart oh God,
And renew a right spirit within me.
And cast me not away from Thy presence oh Lord,
And take not Thy Holy Spirit from me.
Restore unto me the joy of Thy salvation,
And renew a right spirit within me.
This song has been going through my head all day. It is one of my favorites. Very simple, yet it has powerful words. So many times, my heart has been filled with things that shouldn't be there. This song is about getting your heart right with God and focusing on him and finding peace in him. I think that is a big thing that I rely on God for, Peace. When I am stressed or just have too much going on, I can turn to God. He calms me and helps me focus on what's really important.
I feel weird jumping from one subject to another, but I am weird, and at least I can admit it.
I find myself liking a guy. It's been awhile since I've been interested in anyone as more than a friend. It kind of makes me nervous. I'm older than him. Which really can't be helped since I don't know any single guys my age. If Demi Moore can date a guy 15 years younger than her, why should I care about six years? Because I'm not Demi Moore and because I am scared that he just see's me as an old lady. Everytime I talk to this guy I find myself more interested and wanting to talk more. That's all I'm going to say on that subject, just be praying about it.
I got some good news yesterday. I got a letter from the nursing school I am trying to get into. I go Monday morning at 8:30 for an interview. That means that out of 200 or so people, I am one of 50 that got chosen to be interviewed for the 24 spaces in the class. Wow! I'm still trying to not get too excited until after the interview and stuff. I don't want to be let down. I've failed at so many things in my life, that I really need to succeed at this, I need to do this for me. I feel like this is the direction God is pushing me towards. I have had some of the best nurses around during my various health problems, I've also had some of the worst. I want to be one of the best. Please pray for me as I go to my interview on Monday. Interviews are not always my strong area. Part of my dad's job at Nissan is to interview potential employees (no he cannot get you a job there, so don't bother asking, otherwise I would work there, for the benifits alone.) I get so tired of my dad giving me interview pointers. I go into an interview with my head full of do's and don't that he has told me, when I really just need to be myself.
On a whole other subject, I am going to get some much needed quiet time this weekend. My parents and little sister are going out of town. I'll have my nephew friday and saturday night (I need a social life.) The days are all mine. I plan on cleaning house. Yep, I'm such an exciting person. You see, if I clean after they leave, then I can enjoy 2 days of clean house before they come home and trash it again. Almost makes it not worth cleaning, but not quite.
And renew a right spirit within me.
Create in me a clean heart oh God,
And renew a right spirit within me.
And cast me not away from Thy presence oh Lord,
And take not Thy Holy Spirit from me.
Restore unto me the joy of Thy salvation,
And renew a right spirit within me.
This song has been going through my head all day. It is one of my favorites. Very simple, yet it has powerful words. So many times, my heart has been filled with things that shouldn't be there. This song is about getting your heart right with God and focusing on him and finding peace in him. I think that is a big thing that I rely on God for, Peace. When I am stressed or just have too much going on, I can turn to God. He calms me and helps me focus on what's really important.
I feel weird jumping from one subject to another, but I am weird, and at least I can admit it.
I find myself liking a guy. It's been awhile since I've been interested in anyone as more than a friend. It kind of makes me nervous. I'm older than him. Which really can't be helped since I don't know any single guys my age. If Demi Moore can date a guy 15 years younger than her, why should I care about six years? Because I'm not Demi Moore and because I am scared that he just see's me as an old lady. Everytime I talk to this guy I find myself more interested and wanting to talk more. That's all I'm going to say on that subject, just be praying about it.
I got some good news yesterday. I got a letter from the nursing school I am trying to get into. I go Monday morning at 8:30 for an interview. That means that out of 200 or so people, I am one of 50 that got chosen to be interviewed for the 24 spaces in the class. Wow! I'm still trying to not get too excited until after the interview and stuff. I don't want to be let down. I've failed at so many things in my life, that I really need to succeed at this, I need to do this for me. I feel like this is the direction God is pushing me towards. I have had some of the best nurses around during my various health problems, I've also had some of the worst. I want to be one of the best. Please pray for me as I go to my interview on Monday. Interviews are not always my strong area. Part of my dad's job at Nissan is to interview potential employees (no he cannot get you a job there, so don't bother asking, otherwise I would work there, for the benifits alone.) I get so tired of my dad giving me interview pointers. I go into an interview with my head full of do's and don't that he has told me, when I really just need to be myself.
On a whole other subject, I am going to get some much needed quiet time this weekend. My parents and little sister are going out of town. I'll have my nephew friday and saturday night (I need a social life.) The days are all mine. I plan on cleaning house. Yep, I'm such an exciting person. You see, if I clean after they leave, then I can enjoy 2 days of clean house before they come home and trash it again. Almost makes it not worth cleaning, but not quite.
Sunday, May 01, 2005
No Title
I couldn't think of a title, so this post doesn't have one.
Had a great day today. Church was very uplifting and the sermon was on lusting and ways to avoid it and the importance of avoiding it. At least that is what I got out of it. After Church the college age folks went to T and Stevens apartment for burgers and socializing. I learned to play Yatzee. Found out it is a game that requires no skill (my kind of game!). I also learned to play Boggle (I think I got the name right). This game requires the ability to spell and think pretty fast, neither one being trates I am gifted in.
I spent part of the afternoon after I got home, outside on my patio, working on Bike Club stuff. I think I just wrote a really bad run on sentence. Oh, well. The weather was gorgeous today. I should have worked in my flower bed while I was outside. I have a few things coming up that I am not sure if they are weeds or plants. This is what I get for not keeping track of what I planted where last year. I don't know which plants were supposed to come back this year and which ones weren't. I have this big bushy plant with flowers on it that has come up in front of my Lavender plant. I think I planted it last year, but I didn't know it was going to be taller than the Lavender. I also need to buy a few flowers to fill in some empty places from the flowers that did not return this year. As a consequence of not saving the little white markers that came with my flowers last year, I also don't know the names of any of them. Except the Hostas and the Lavender. I suppose I could look up the others, but I have to wait til they all bloom.
Isn't it amazing how I don't know the names of a few flowers, but God has millions (billions?) of "flowers" (people) all over the world and he knows us all individually? God doesn't need the "little white markers" he remembers without them. Just another small example of how God is awesome!
Had a great day today. Church was very uplifting and the sermon was on lusting and ways to avoid it and the importance of avoiding it. At least that is what I got out of it. After Church the college age folks went to T and Stevens apartment for burgers and socializing. I learned to play Yatzee. Found out it is a game that requires no skill (my kind of game!). I also learned to play Boggle (I think I got the name right). This game requires the ability to spell and think pretty fast, neither one being trates I am gifted in.
I spent part of the afternoon after I got home, outside on my patio, working on Bike Club stuff. I think I just wrote a really bad run on sentence. Oh, well. The weather was gorgeous today. I should have worked in my flower bed while I was outside. I have a few things coming up that I am not sure if they are weeds or plants. This is what I get for not keeping track of what I planted where last year. I don't know which plants were supposed to come back this year and which ones weren't. I have this big bushy plant with flowers on it that has come up in front of my Lavender plant. I think I planted it last year, but I didn't know it was going to be taller than the Lavender. I also need to buy a few flowers to fill in some empty places from the flowers that did not return this year. As a consequence of not saving the little white markers that came with my flowers last year, I also don't know the names of any of them. Except the Hostas and the Lavender. I suppose I could look up the others, but I have to wait til they all bloom.
Isn't it amazing how I don't know the names of a few flowers, but God has millions (billions?) of "flowers" (people) all over the world and he knows us all individually? God doesn't need the "little white markers" he remembers without them. Just another small example of how God is awesome!
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
Jealousy
I found out Sunday Night that my Grandmother Priscilla and her husband, Bill were coming yesterday. I only half beleaved my mom when she told me, but around 3:00 yesterday afternoon they showed up.
I should tell a little background info. on them. She is my dad's mother. My dad's father died when I was 12. They divorced when I was little and she married Bill. Growing up my dad was the oldest of five boys. Many times child abusers single out one kid to take all the abuse. In my dad's case, he was the chosen one. I don't know all the details, but I know enough. Oh, and also in this case, my grandmother was the one who did the abusing.
My grandmother has lived in Florida since I was a little kid. She has driven right past Murfreesboro on several occasions on the way up to Illinios to visit my dads brothers and not stopped to see us. For most of my life, I have not thought of myself as having another Grandmother. My Grandparents in Nashville have been all the grandparents I have needed (and more.) My little sister was the type of baby that would let anyone hold her. In one of my Grandma priscillas rare visits, my sister went right to her. Since then she sends my family gifts at Christmas and at our birthdays. It's really hard for me to allow her into my life. She is someone I saw maybe every 5 years growing up. I didn't let her hold me when I was a baby, and sometimes it's like I'm still paying for that.
Yesterday when she showed up (with less than 24 hours notice.) I had already made plans to do something that night. She wanted to take us all to eat. When I stated my plans, she said " I'm only going to be here one night, but go if you want to." Arggg! I hate being guilt tripped and manipulated. We ended up going to eat early and I still kept my plans. Well, today my sister came over and brought a card for my little sister. It was from my grandmother and had a 20 dollar bill in it. My older sister got $100.00 from her (mostly for my nephew.) Guess what I got? Nothing. I know it's wrong to be jealous, but I'm not just jealous, I'm hurt. I've always made an effort to be nice to her, even when I felt like the effort was one sided. I think I need to always remember what being left out feels like and make sure I never do it to anyone. Maybe five years from now, when I see her again, I will have forgotten being left out. (sorry, that was kinda mean.)
On a happier note, I went to Yoga/Pilates last night. It was fun. Not so much like exercise to me, more like stretching and balancing. Well, today my butt hurts and my back and my ab's. The instructer said I have strong ab's. I don't know how you get strong ab's when you don't excercise and you eat mostly junk. But I'm not going to argue with her. So I guess I have strong ab's. I liked it, so I think I'm going to go back next monday. I have a bit of pudge around my middle I would like to shrink.
The guy at church who won't talk to me that I mentioned in a previous post? Well, he went on the retreat this weekend. I made an effort to talk to him, mostly me saying hello and thank you and him making grunting noises at me, but it was a start. I saw him yesterday and he said "hi, sarah." Maybe things will get better between us. God put us in the same house over the weekend, in the same small group of people, for a reason.
I should tell a little background info. on them. She is my dad's mother. My dad's father died when I was 12. They divorced when I was little and she married Bill. Growing up my dad was the oldest of five boys. Many times child abusers single out one kid to take all the abuse. In my dad's case, he was the chosen one. I don't know all the details, but I know enough. Oh, and also in this case, my grandmother was the one who did the abusing.
My grandmother has lived in Florida since I was a little kid. She has driven right past Murfreesboro on several occasions on the way up to Illinios to visit my dads brothers and not stopped to see us. For most of my life, I have not thought of myself as having another Grandmother. My Grandparents in Nashville have been all the grandparents I have needed (and more.) My little sister was the type of baby that would let anyone hold her. In one of my Grandma priscillas rare visits, my sister went right to her. Since then she sends my family gifts at Christmas and at our birthdays. It's really hard for me to allow her into my life. She is someone I saw maybe every 5 years growing up. I didn't let her hold me when I was a baby, and sometimes it's like I'm still paying for that.
Yesterday when she showed up (with less than 24 hours notice.) I had already made plans to do something that night. She wanted to take us all to eat. When I stated my plans, she said " I'm only going to be here one night, but go if you want to." Arggg! I hate being guilt tripped and manipulated. We ended up going to eat early and I still kept my plans. Well, today my sister came over and brought a card for my little sister. It was from my grandmother and had a 20 dollar bill in it. My older sister got $100.00 from her (mostly for my nephew.) Guess what I got? Nothing. I know it's wrong to be jealous, but I'm not just jealous, I'm hurt. I've always made an effort to be nice to her, even when I felt like the effort was one sided. I think I need to always remember what being left out feels like and make sure I never do it to anyone. Maybe five years from now, when I see her again, I will have forgotten being left out. (sorry, that was kinda mean.)
On a happier note, I went to Yoga/Pilates last night. It was fun. Not so much like exercise to me, more like stretching and balancing. Well, today my butt hurts and my back and my ab's. The instructer said I have strong ab's. I don't know how you get strong ab's when you don't excercise and you eat mostly junk. But I'm not going to argue with her. So I guess I have strong ab's. I liked it, so I think I'm going to go back next monday. I have a bit of pudge around my middle I would like to shrink.
The guy at church who won't talk to me that I mentioned in a previous post? Well, he went on the retreat this weekend. I made an effort to talk to him, mostly me saying hello and thank you and him making grunting noises at me, but it was a start. I saw him yesterday and he said "hi, sarah." Maybe things will get better between us. God put us in the same house over the weekend, in the same small group of people, for a reason.
Sunday, April 24, 2005
Retreat Weekend
I went on a retreat this past weekend with nine other young adults from my church. It was an awesome, uplifting weekend. We went to someone's cabin on Center Hill Lake. We only spent one night. I wish we had one up on Friday night instead of Saturday. I would have easily stayed longer. We got up there on saturday afternoon. The place was bigger than we thought it would be. We took a short walk through the woods behind the cabin to a creek. Somewhere, we had been told, was a waterfall. We never managed to find it, but I was content just hearing the peaceful flowing of the water in the stream.
After a wonderful meal of Steaks and baked potatoes, we settled in for some singing and listened to a reading about the passover. Then we each took a turn giving our testimony. Mine was not so much a testimony as a much needed time to get some stuff off my chest. I have carried this "baggage" with me for the last 8 years or so.
I was baptized when I was 13. I knew what being baptized meant, but I'm not sure the reason behind when I chose to do it. I knew I was giving my life over to Christ and confessing that I believed he died for me. I was hurt a lot over the next 6 years of school. I went through a lot of things that left me asking why? I still don't understand why, but I have to trust that I experienced it all for a reason. I got sick with colitis my Junior year in highschool. I didn't totally understand my illness and the time and I was being constantly bullied and harrassed at school. Because of this, I trusted no one and my self esteem was non existent. When I got to college at MTSU, I was invisible. I went to class and went home. I didn't have any friends, because I had seen how so called "friends" treated me.
Then I discovered guys. I had dated a couple of times in high school, but nothing very serious. Now, in college, there were all these guys and they would pay attention to me. The only time I felt good about myself was when I had a guys attention. I started dating someone shortly after I turned 20. He was 4 years older than me and much more experienced. I was very naive and confused the attention I got from him with love and actual feelings. The only feeling he had for me was lust. I was a virgin and he groomed me and pushed me a little more each time I saw him until one day, in a nasty apartment, I gave away my virginity to him. He acted like it was no big deal. I was sure this was love. I dated him for six months. During this time he treated me bad, was always late and only came around for sex. I thought that sex was all I was good for. I finally reached a point where I just couldn't take him anymore and broke up with him. I immediatly felt lonely and sought out another guy to solve this. Over the next few years I slept around here and there. It felt good for about 5 minutes and then all I felt was guilt and for some reason I still felt lonely.
I started going to the Christian center a year or so after breaking up with the first guy. I thought that I could change my life there. Shortly after going there I discovered that guys there wanted the same things other guys did. One thing was different though, I now had the attention of what I thought were good christian guys. Turns out that jerks are everywhere. Also, once you allow yourself to be used for sex, there are guys who seem to sense that. I was not a victim up until this point. I had freely given myself to the guys I dated. I met a guy at the center. He was a roomate of one of our officers. I ignored that voice inside me (a voice you should never ignore) and went to his dorm room. We started making out and that was as far as I wanted it to go. Something about him rubbed me the wrong way. I tried to push him off of me and he said "your in no position to change your mind now." and then proceeded to rape me. I carried this deep dark secret of being raped around with me for a week. I told no one. When I finally did tell someone, she said "I was afraid this would happen, what did you expect, with the way you act around guys." So I never told anyone else. I decided that the rape was my fault. After that I dated a few more guys. Four years ago I drove a co worker home after work and went in his apartment with him. He attempted to rape me, but I was crying and shaking and he decided to stop. I got lucky that night. Ironically, both the rapist and attempted rapist were MTSU football players. At that same time I was taking a class called Violence and the Family. We were discussing rape in it. I couldn't bear to go listen to the lectures a lot of times. I told my profesor what had happened to me. She seemed totally unshocked that it was by a football player. It was through this class and a class called Victimology that I realized that I said no. I was victimized and no matter how much I flirted to begin with and how much I made out with the first guy, the bottom line was no means no. I now realized that this was not my fault. I also realized that my behavior and my life had to change, or this kind of thing would keep happening to me. I worked hard and although I did slip up and go to far with one guy after that, I have since gotten very picky about who I date, if I even date at all.
Realizing that the attention I was getting was not the kind of attention I wanted was a big step. I was at times hindered by my reputation. Especially around the center. I thought that a few guys were interested in me, turns out that through the rumor mill they had heard about me. Now that I don't do things I shouldn't I mostly do not date. I realize now the difference between love and lust.
Forgiving myself has been the hardest part. I know that God has forgiven me and he wants me to move on with my life. Sometimes my conscious won't let me do that. I know that is satan trying to remind me of my weaknesses. I'm not a weak person. If anything, my health problems and stuff I've experienced have left me with the strength of a body builder. This is something I've learned that in some situations being the strong one is a good thing. It allows me to remain calm in situations that others wouldn't and I have this strong urge to help others. I hope that through nursing (If I get in) I can work with Hospice, cancer patients or, I think my heart is really pulled towards a place like Special Kids. Special Kids is a nonprofit daycare if sorts for medically fragile children. I babysat for a baby a few years ago who was born with just enough brainstem to keep her alive. She could not situp, talk, or even swallow. She also had frequent seizures. I learned to tube feed her, and I fell in love with her. She began going to Special Kids and it was awesome. It allowed her mom to work while knowing that she was being taken care of by trained nurses and physical and occupational therapists. Shortly before her second birthday, she underwent a growth spurt. She started looking more like a little girl and less like a baby. Her little lungs and heart just could not support this big girl she was becoming and she died peacefully in her sleep.
Since then , I have felt really drawn to medically fragile, special needs children. To the point that, if I ever marry, I want to adopt, and I would be willing to take a child with special needs. I feel like I have seen what it takes day to day to care for a child like this, and God has given me a gift to be able to handle it and has given me more than enough love to share with a child, no matter how long they have on earth.
Wow, I went from talking about the retreat, to sex, to my future.
Anyway, the retreat was a much needed get away and it sounded like all ten of us are at similar times in our lives. We are all unsure of our future and where we should go from here. Oh yeah, we had an 11'th reatreater who wasn't discovered until this morning. Seems that while we were singing and talking and worshipping, we had an audience of one little grey mouse. She teased us by darting out from under couches to the fireplace and then between the cabinets in the kitchen. Oh well, all she witnessed, was a lot of love for Christ and for each other.
After a wonderful meal of Steaks and baked potatoes, we settled in for some singing and listened to a reading about the passover. Then we each took a turn giving our testimony. Mine was not so much a testimony as a much needed time to get some stuff off my chest. I have carried this "baggage" with me for the last 8 years or so.
I was baptized when I was 13. I knew what being baptized meant, but I'm not sure the reason behind when I chose to do it. I knew I was giving my life over to Christ and confessing that I believed he died for me. I was hurt a lot over the next 6 years of school. I went through a lot of things that left me asking why? I still don't understand why, but I have to trust that I experienced it all for a reason. I got sick with colitis my Junior year in highschool. I didn't totally understand my illness and the time and I was being constantly bullied and harrassed at school. Because of this, I trusted no one and my self esteem was non existent. When I got to college at MTSU, I was invisible. I went to class and went home. I didn't have any friends, because I had seen how so called "friends" treated me.
Then I discovered guys. I had dated a couple of times in high school, but nothing very serious. Now, in college, there were all these guys and they would pay attention to me. The only time I felt good about myself was when I had a guys attention. I started dating someone shortly after I turned 20. He was 4 years older than me and much more experienced. I was very naive and confused the attention I got from him with love and actual feelings. The only feeling he had for me was lust. I was a virgin and he groomed me and pushed me a little more each time I saw him until one day, in a nasty apartment, I gave away my virginity to him. He acted like it was no big deal. I was sure this was love. I dated him for six months. During this time he treated me bad, was always late and only came around for sex. I thought that sex was all I was good for. I finally reached a point where I just couldn't take him anymore and broke up with him. I immediatly felt lonely and sought out another guy to solve this. Over the next few years I slept around here and there. It felt good for about 5 minutes and then all I felt was guilt and for some reason I still felt lonely.
I started going to the Christian center a year or so after breaking up with the first guy. I thought that I could change my life there. Shortly after going there I discovered that guys there wanted the same things other guys did. One thing was different though, I now had the attention of what I thought were good christian guys. Turns out that jerks are everywhere. Also, once you allow yourself to be used for sex, there are guys who seem to sense that. I was not a victim up until this point. I had freely given myself to the guys I dated. I met a guy at the center. He was a roomate of one of our officers. I ignored that voice inside me (a voice you should never ignore) and went to his dorm room. We started making out and that was as far as I wanted it to go. Something about him rubbed me the wrong way. I tried to push him off of me and he said "your in no position to change your mind now." and then proceeded to rape me. I carried this deep dark secret of being raped around with me for a week. I told no one. When I finally did tell someone, she said "I was afraid this would happen, what did you expect, with the way you act around guys." So I never told anyone else. I decided that the rape was my fault. After that I dated a few more guys. Four years ago I drove a co worker home after work and went in his apartment with him. He attempted to rape me, but I was crying and shaking and he decided to stop. I got lucky that night. Ironically, both the rapist and attempted rapist were MTSU football players. At that same time I was taking a class called Violence and the Family. We were discussing rape in it. I couldn't bear to go listen to the lectures a lot of times. I told my profesor what had happened to me. She seemed totally unshocked that it was by a football player. It was through this class and a class called Victimology that I realized that I said no. I was victimized and no matter how much I flirted to begin with and how much I made out with the first guy, the bottom line was no means no. I now realized that this was not my fault. I also realized that my behavior and my life had to change, or this kind of thing would keep happening to me. I worked hard and although I did slip up and go to far with one guy after that, I have since gotten very picky about who I date, if I even date at all.
Realizing that the attention I was getting was not the kind of attention I wanted was a big step. I was at times hindered by my reputation. Especially around the center. I thought that a few guys were interested in me, turns out that through the rumor mill they had heard about me. Now that I don't do things I shouldn't I mostly do not date. I realize now the difference between love and lust.
Forgiving myself has been the hardest part. I know that God has forgiven me and he wants me to move on with my life. Sometimes my conscious won't let me do that. I know that is satan trying to remind me of my weaknesses. I'm not a weak person. If anything, my health problems and stuff I've experienced have left me with the strength of a body builder. This is something I've learned that in some situations being the strong one is a good thing. It allows me to remain calm in situations that others wouldn't and I have this strong urge to help others. I hope that through nursing (If I get in) I can work with Hospice, cancer patients or, I think my heart is really pulled towards a place like Special Kids. Special Kids is a nonprofit daycare if sorts for medically fragile children. I babysat for a baby a few years ago who was born with just enough brainstem to keep her alive. She could not situp, talk, or even swallow. She also had frequent seizures. I learned to tube feed her, and I fell in love with her. She began going to Special Kids and it was awesome. It allowed her mom to work while knowing that she was being taken care of by trained nurses and physical and occupational therapists. Shortly before her second birthday, she underwent a growth spurt. She started looking more like a little girl and less like a baby. Her little lungs and heart just could not support this big girl she was becoming and she died peacefully in her sleep.
Since then , I have felt really drawn to medically fragile, special needs children. To the point that, if I ever marry, I want to adopt, and I would be willing to take a child with special needs. I feel like I have seen what it takes day to day to care for a child like this, and God has given me a gift to be able to handle it and has given me more than enough love to share with a child, no matter how long they have on earth.
Wow, I went from talking about the retreat, to sex, to my future.
Anyway, the retreat was a much needed get away and it sounded like all ten of us are at similar times in our lives. We are all unsure of our future and where we should go from here. Oh yeah, we had an 11'th reatreater who wasn't discovered until this morning. Seems that while we were singing and talking and worshipping, we had an audience of one little grey mouse. She teased us by darting out from under couches to the fireplace and then between the cabinets in the kitchen. Oh well, all she witnessed, was a lot of love for Christ and for each other.
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